Rambling thoughts and bad poetry

Cutting the dead wood.

2007-01-04T10:26:00.000+09:00

I waited for all the new changes to Blogger to take full effect before making this decision, but now it just seems to be the right thing for me to do.

After having maintained 4 blogs at one stage I have decided to trim back to just the one. I mostly want to do this because I am lazy and just can't be bothered maintaining them all, but there are some other reasons.. Up until now all my posts have been public, but their is a lot I write that never sees the lght of day because quite frankly there are some people I just don't want reading my personal details, and yet there are some people I want to share them with.

Blogger hasn't overly impressed me with their "fantastic NEW changes" and it seems that it really doesn't give me that much extra control than I do already. Yahoo 360 isn't much better, nor infact are many other commercial blogging sites.

Livejournal, despite all of its draw backs, gives me a lot better control of who can see what. Even though it is far from perfect, the other option of scripting and hosting my own blog doesn't really appeal to me at this point although I may think about doing so in the future. So LJ it is.

Effective as of this very moment I will be switching to LiveJournal for all my bloggin. If you aren't a member of LJ you will still be able to read all my public posts and comment as per usual, however for the locked posts you will need to become a member and "friend" me then tell me what sections you would be interested in reading about.

So head to

My LiveJournal Blog

and things will continue as normal! See you there!

The Ghost of Christmas Just Past

2006-12-29T16:32:00.000+09:00

For those that don't know, I keep a very much more personal journal on my PC at home and there is one or two paragraphs from that that I wanted to share with those that made my christmas so wonderful this year.

The Ghost of Christmas Just Past 26/12/06

Well Christmas day has been and gone. I stuck to my decision and didn’t go to the big family breakfast. Instead I spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning at Beth and Jason’s place, with them and Belinda. I felt so much more at ease and even more loved there. The people that surround me and accept me for exactly who I am without question, these are the people, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion, are my family.....

....

....When she was about to hang up, Beth said, “Why don’t you tell him yourself?” and handed the phone back to me. On the phone was Jess and when she said, “I love you dad.” it was all I could do to stop myself from crying right then and there. I admit that later I did take myself off to the bathroom and have a bit of a cry.

Simple acceptance from Beth and four very simple words from Jess, I could think of no better presents to receive.

I hope you all had as good a christmas as I did. Thank you to all those that made my Christmas so special!

Dirty, Sweaty and Tight!

2006-12-18T15:05:00.000+09:00

The answer to the burning question on everybody’s lips - What exactly to transitioning trannies get up to on their weekends? - will be answered for you below the cut. But for now lets just say it is (if done right) dirty, sweaty and at times requires great persistence in order to enter something so tight. Be warned there are pics below!

Yes tight spaces, getting dirty and sweating profusely on a 35°+ day are all hallmarks of plumbing. Yep trannies do plumbing on their weekends off!

The saga of the blocked shower drain and the broken bath are well known to those who visit my house. Suffice to say I will not retell those stories here because they are…. slightly embarrassing. Let’s just say the shower drain has needed unblocking for quite sometime.

The drain had been running slow and continuously clogging for a few years and each time a generous dose of caustic soda solved the problem. But sometime ago no amount of caustic soda would make it run any faster, and eventually the drain stopped flowing all together.

It was obvious that there was a bit more serious plumbing to do than just throwing caustic soda down the drain, and at that point I threw my hands up in the air and commenced using the bath instead. A while later (quite a while actually, months really) it became imperative that the shower drain be unblocked.

I attacked it from outside by digging a hole my puppy would have been proud of, looking for the point at which the drain pipe exited the house. I discovered that the blockage was more severe than even I had imagined when my little hand driven wormy tool thingamajig (they must have a real name!) couldn't shift it.

Right nothing for it except for MAJOR surgery. Time replace the entire drain pipe “S” bend and all. After all it was steel piping and was in desperate need of replacement. So it was under the house I needed to go.

It was a great plan. All I needed to do was take my stillsons, two hammers, a bell chisel, a hacksaw just in case and a light. Then crawl under the house to the bathroom, remove some brick work under the shower, remove the "s" bend and pipe, replace both, replace the brick work and crawl back out. Do you think anything could go that smoothly??? Not on your life.

To start with it took an hour and a half to move the 12m from one side of the house to the other. I had to negotiate the joists, all too low to leopard crawl under without digging a hole in the limestone encrusted sand.

Then when I got to the limestone footings some genius had decided to dump excess mortar right in the crawl space. Good thing I brought the chisel and the hammer eh? But the crawl space was really tight, so tight I had to turn on my side 45° to fit (read, scraping both sides). It actually felt like I was digging a tunnel to escape some concentration camp.... ok so I have an over active imagination!

Then once at the bathroom I knocked over the light and broke the bulb! Abandoning the tools I started the long crawl back to the other side of the house in pitch black!

I found my torch, went and bought a new battery for it, then headed back under the house. Everything went a lot better from there until after removing the brick work and using the bricks to prop up the joist, I discovered that the drain pipe ran right down the side of the bath, through the mortar mix that is used to float the bath in. No way of replacing that without ripping up the floor. So I gave the S bend a couple of belts with the hammer in order to try and loosen the blockage (yea right I was so frustrated I needed to hit something hard and the s bend looked like the easiest target, well the only target cause in the tight space I ended up in I couldn't hit anything else!!!) Frustrated I replaced the sand and brick work and crawled back out to daylight.

The senseless hammering of the pipe work actually helped things a lot. I used the hose and compressor to blow the blockage backwards through the pipe from the outside of the house and viola , a drain that now runs freely...... but for how long?

Many thanks to Belinda for putting up with a house with no shower for as long as she has. Wonder if she knows her rent is going up because of the "improvements" I have done.... bwahahahahahaha, ummm just kidding!

So that is the whole sordid and dirty story..... Was what you did on your weekend THIS exciting!

Just another internet quiz

2006-12-11T15:06:00.000+09:00

Ummmmm me lustful????? Oh well can't argue with an internet quiz cause we all know they are sooooooo accurate! Oh wait, normally they are for me. bah whatever!

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	High
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Anxiety and Work Xmas Do's

2006-12-11T11:59:00.000+09:00

Friday night was my work Christmas do. I have to say I wasn’t looking forward to it. As I will be going full time shortly (and I am pretty sure the rumours have been going round) and I have only really met as many people as I have needed to in relation to my work, I wasn’t looking forward to meeting new people only to have to “re-meet” them next year as Cathii. I almost managed to work myself into a state of high anxiety and had that horrible nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach before going.

As it turned out it wasn’t so bad. I did prime myself by drinking 5 Crowns in the first hour I was there, and kept that state of pleasantly pissed for the rest of the night. I only had to field the question of; “So are you gay?” about 6 times. By the end of the evening no one much cared anyway cause they were all pissed and dancing to really crap music provided by one man, one guitar and one laptop. I even got dragged up onto the dance floor and made to dance to a particularly bad version of a George Thoroughgood song…. Blahhhhh

So it was fairly harmless in the end. I figure there are still plenty of people that don’t know around here, and I need to get on top of letting them all know asap, but right now I am a bit hamstrung by HR taking their time to send out my permanent contract. I have been advised by a few people who should know that signing the contract is much more important than almost anything else. After I sign it they then have a much harder time getting rid of me if they don’t like my TS status. Although I must say I doubt that will happen from those around me. My boss and her boss knew before I even accepted the temp contract.

In retrospect it might well have been a lot easier to just start the job as Cathii rather than do the transition on the job, but since when have I ever done anything the easy way? Besides which, there is no way I could have been stealth anyway, so everyone I work with would of known and the rest of the people would have fed off the rumours. At least this way I can give them the information before they start the rumours!! LOL

Blah and No Smoking....

2006-12-05T13:10:00.000+09:00

As I have said before I have been feeling a little blah for the last week and a half. I have no doubt that my mood is not being helped by the fact that I made a promise to myself to quit smoking after finishing my last carton of cigarettes. I finished them on Wednesday last week and since then my mood has gone from blah to CRASH. Is it the nicotine withdrawal or am I just naturally a mugwump?

I didn’t go out at all on the weekend. Instead I bought a bottle of vodka and systematically drank ¾ of it before running out of mixer. I am pretty sure if I had been sober enough to make my way to the petrol station for more mixer the bottle would have been very empty. I did have a pretty good chat with one of Belinda’s friends. Fascinating guy.

Actually,,,,,I am contemplating buying another bottle of vodka tonight just to celebrate the fact that it is Tuesday!

Getting closer to C day and I still have so much to do. At least the corporate wardrobe is getting a little bigger each week. Buying a few bits and pieces every now and then. Still haven’t really started on the casual wardrobe yet….. Damn being a trannie, I have a million “going out” clothes and absolutely nothing to just go out with. Not smoking should be a plus for the wardrobe though cause that means I can spe4nd an additional $80 a week on clothes!!! YAY.(spoken like a true trannie, god sometimes I live up to the stereotype only just too well!)

Other than that I am just a little miserable about the world. Well one person in particular, but there appears to be absolutely nothing I can do to change that situation. So more than just backing off, I am walking away entirely. If they want they can come and see me anytime they like and I will receive them with open arms, but right now and into the conceivable future I will not even mention their name.

Right now I have to work out what I am getting Beth and my nieces and nephews for Christmas……. Grrr this is too hard, maybe I should just give them money….. nah no thought or care or love in that. Sadly.

What difference does it make?

2006-12-04T08:59:00.000+09:00

All men have secrets
and here is mine
so let it be known
we have been through hell and high tide
I can surely rely on you
and yet you start to recoil
heavy words are so lightly thrown
but I'd still leap in front of a flying bullet for you

So what difference does it make?
so what difference does it make?
it makes none, but now you have gone
and you must be looking very old tonight

The devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and I lied, and why? because you asked me to
but now you make me feel so ashamed
because I've only got two hands
well, I'm still fond of you

So what difference does it make?
so what difference does it make?
it makes none, but now you have gone
and your prejudice won't keep you warm tonight

Oh the devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and then I lied just because you asked me to
but now you know the truth about me
you won't see me anymore
well, I'm still fond of you

But no more apologies
no more apologies
I'm too tired, I'm so very tired
and I'm feeling very sick and ill today
but I'm still fond of you

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
The Smiths

Odd day

2006-11-26T13:49:00.000+08:00

Thursday was a very odd day for me.

On my way to work I caught the earlier train so I could get to Midland 15 minutes before my bus left to take me to work in Forrestfield. I did this because I needed to get some money out of the bank and then buy some lunch and perhaps detour to Muzz Buzz for my morning dose of caffine.

When I got to the automatic teller I opened my purse to find that my keycard was missing. I had bought a bottle of vodka on the way home o Wedneday for the weekend and had obviously forgotten to pick it up as I left.

So no money to buy some lunch, and no Muzz Buzz (and that really was the thing that made me a little annoyed!) I raced back and caught my bus to work where I was sure to get a coffee even if it was instant. When I got there I discovered that there was no milk so I sent an SMS to my boss asking her to pick some up on her way in (I get there an hour earlier than my boss cause I actually have work to do! LOL) She sent one back saying she wasn't coming in today because she had Chicken Pox. So now I have been exposed to an infectious disease and had to call my friend to cancel incase I passed it along to her son.

So no milk for coffee (all the other staff in my building are either out bush jumping on locusts or up north doing training for the local officers up there) I was the only one in the office all day, and I couldn't even listen to the cricket because the old radio we have doesn't work on AM. So black coffee it was and a nutritious lunch of 2 scotch finger biscuits followed by an arrowroot biscuit.

Could my day get any worse??

YES it could!

In the afternoon it dawned on me why I needed money. I had very little change for bus and train fare. In fact when I counted everything, including all the coins I found in my desk draw, in my boss's draw and everybody elses draw, I ended up with $2.45 and I needed $3.20 to get home.

In the end I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to walk the 22km home. At 5pm I shut down the computer, packed everything including a bottle of water into my back pack and started the looooong walk home.

Luckily I had my iPod so at least I would be entertained on the way home. I listened to an album that my daughter’s boyfriend gave to me by "Neurotic Fish" which as it turns out is fantastic! The tunes certainly made the walk go faster!

About half way home I called in at the Guildford cemetery out on Kalamunda road to sit and relax a while. My feet were quite sore cause I was walking in men’s dress shoes not exactly my first choice of footwear for 22km walk!

As I sat in the cemetery I had the urge to call my Mum and talked to her for about 15 minutes in which SHE brought up the topic of the impending transition. Normally she won't talk about it at all.

I started off walking back home with a renewed enthusiasm but by the time I had reached The Guildford road bridge my feet hurt so much that I had to stop and lie on the grass next to the river in the fading light. In the river was a Pelican with her 5 babies following close behind. She was teaching them to fish by the glow of the street lamps on the bridge. I sat and watched them for what seemed like 10 minutes but actually turned out to be closer to an hour.

By the time I got home in the evening my whole day had turned around. I had listened to a band I had never heard of before and found that they were absolutely fantastic, I had spoken to one of the most important people in my life, my Mum, AND I had watched in total fascination the wonders of nature.

My only complain about the whole of Thursday was the blisters on my feet. Tomorrow I think I might take some more appropriate footwear and walk home again. After the last effort you never know I might just psychically know next weeks Lotto numbers or something! LOL

Where the hell did Sunday go?

2006-11-20T14:28:00.000+08:00

Where the hell did Sunday go?

I remember Friday night very specifically. I babysat Clayton again, and once again he sat and played Xbox til bedtime. Then at 2.30am, an hour after I went to bed he came through and woke me up wanting a drink. I got him the drink, made sure he was safely back in bed and then headed back to bed myself. But could I sleep? Hell no. I tossed and turned and got attacked by kittens. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5.20am and then I was being woken up at 6.30 by a hungry boy looking for breakfast.

So with 2 hours of bad sleep, we walked down to the shops where we bought some breakfast and other supplies and then headed to the park in the vain hope that he would tire himself out before we got home and I might be able to sleep a little longer! Why do I constantly underestimate the energy supplies of a young child?

Hair cuts are the devils work, but the one Belinda suggested I get is actually pretty cool. Had it cut in the afternoon and went out that night for the first time in girl mode WITHOUT a wig…. God I love not wearing a wig.

Did cop a bit of grief from the predominantly ordinary folk that were lining up for Ambar at around 2.30am. I was on my way down to the corner shop to get some antacids cause I was having some major issues with heartburn. Maybe I should remember that eating a GOOD meal is an absolute essential before heading out! Anyway I got read a lot quicker and from a lot further away than I normally do. It kinda pissed me off a bit cause I thought my hair was fantastic as was my makeup thanks to Belinda. Oh well to hell with them, getting read is just part of the gig, and might as well be comfortable and get read as be uncomfortable and get read!

After getting home at around 4.30am’ish I got prepared and was in bed around 5.30am then I went to sleep. The plan was to attack the barina and get it to the point of taking it over the pits this weekend. But I never got to that. The first I knew was around 8pm when Hannah rang me. And then an hour or 2 later I was asleep again until 5am when I needed to get up. I had strange recollections of doing things, and indeed I did post to a forum, but have no clear memory of it, I did go out for a smoke and a drink of water and once again no recollection of it. Sunday just disappeared into a blur of sleep. 24 hours of sleep, or at least only semi-consciousness.

There are a few things that I regret about the weekend, but they are things I might keep a little personal right now. Have to sort them out first.

Spank and Confusion

2006-11-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

Went to Spank last night. It was really good and met a lot of people there that I knew and a few that I didn’t. talked drank, had fun. All the usual stuff, plus a few things that don’t usually happen to me, but now I have a few questions floating around in my head that need answered.

For those that don’t know, Spank was a BDSM / Fetish Ball held where Sin usually is on a Friday night. It is planned to be held occasionally but Saturday night was the first one. It was pretty packed and with a policy of no fetish wear no entry, I thought I had better put some effort into my outfit.

I wore the skirt I got from Karma which is about as long as a bandaid :P and vinyl, Underneath that I wore a tutu that Hannah made me specifically for the skirt so it would poof out a bit, my vinyl waist cincher, a vinyl suspender belt with lace top stockings and my top that kinda shows off my cleavage a LOT. I had planned to wear the boots I had stolen off Beth but I found that no matter how I tried I just couldn’t seem to walk in them very well. I could do the girl run in them no problems, but the heel was just too high to be able to walk properly. Must practice so I can wear them out sometime soon cause they are so cool. Instead I ended up wearing my patent 4.5” wedges which kinda went with all the other “shiny stuff” I had on.

The thing was that the skirt ended up poofing out so much that it wasn’t covering much at all. In fact the stocking tops were totally exposed and if I bent forward even slightly so was my bum! Walking up and down the stairs I did notice some people having a perve, but that was fine cause I had bought some lacy black knickers just for the occasion (yes I had to buy some. I am very much a cotton tails kind of girl and don’t like frilly knickers much at all!) OK enough of the very trannie “what I wore” section……..

There were loads of people there in all manner of clothing. Most people had put a lot of effort into what they wore which was fantastic to see. Pretty much as soon as we got there Hannah met some people that she knew and we pretty much went our separate ways meeting up occasionally through the night.

At one point I had just had a conversation with a friend from Sin and was walking into the smoking area. I was chewing something over in my mind that she had said and I guess my facial expression must have been a little glum although I didn't feel like hat at all. One of the leather boys, obviously a Dom turned around and said, "I don't allow people to wear that expression around me!" and leaned over and kissed me square on the lips.... I kinda just looked back at him and smiled, and then he kissed me again and it was a full on snog.

Now the problem is that I haven't kissed anyone for ages..... let alone a boy.... and it felt good. Too bloody good. So now there is a lot of stuff floating around in my head.

To start with, lets face it, he wasn’t my type at all. Boys in leather with shaved heads and goatees just don’t do it for me, normally! So what is going on with me? I know I am openly bisexual, but the truth is that I just haven’t had any sexual contact with boys now for about 6 or 7 years. I pretty much believe myself to be mostly attracted to girls with a bit of a “thing” for boys. When I see me having a relationship it is with a girl, not a boy. And to be totally honest, with boys in the past it has been mostly physical, not emotional. I have really only had one relationship with a boy and that was a total dependence thing when I was so messed up that I thought I needed to have that experience. It was a total disaster.

Right now the whole physical thing holds no appeal to me at all. Lets face it the medication I am on has pretty much all but stopped any function in the lower regions anyway. But I find myself wanting and needing more of an emotional relationship with someone. Something where I don’t need to display any real physical affection at all, just to be with someone that I feel good to be around. Just to “like someone in THAT way” would be enough for me right now.

Which brings me to the next problem that Saturday night has thrown up for me. I almost have that type of relationship right now and I know that she reads this (or at least reads the livejounal version of this), so let this serve as a confession. I do love her more than a friend. I do enjoy just being around her. I do look forward to seeing her and miss her when I can’t see her. BUT I have no desire to kiss her other than in a wonderful friendly way. I have no need to sleep with her in a physical sense. I don’t require her to be faithful to me in anyway at all. I don’t feel jealous when she displays affection for other people, physical or emotional.

I DO feel wrong for feeling this way.

I am so confused right now about all this stuff. Kissing a boy and feeling wonderful, where as before it was just part of the motions, and my desire for “something more” with someone that is one of the best friends you could hope for are messing with my head right now……

God I am a mixed up individual sometimes…..

A month and not much to add

2006-11-12T15:05:00.000+08:00

Well I haven't posted for a month and really there isn't much to tell. The new job is quite challenging and I am enjoying it a lot. My 4wd was going to cost way too much money to fix and I just let the sticker run out, so currently I am carless. I really should finish fixing the Barina, but enthusiasm for mechanical work is nil. I have been riding my bike to work, it is only 22km to work and then another 22km home so it isn't that big a workout but is more than I have done in years. By rights I should be losing weight, but it appears I am not, which kinda sux but is pretty typical. Hormones are doing there thing and in the last month there has been noticable development in the chest region which is heartening after thinking they would never grow! So now I am 13yo in terms of development! God I hated being 13. I hope it isn't the same.

Emotionally the world has been wonderful to me. Good things have happened, wonderful people are being wonderful to me (and making me tutu's and letting me wear their boots etc etc) Life is good at the moment. Boring Huh?

I did the Crossdress for Red Cross day on the 3rd. Mostly people at work couldn't believe I could manage to create as much cleavage as I did, and then couldn't believe that I managed to walk in the 4.5" wedges that I had on so effortlessly. I took the opportunity to come out to a couple of people who work in the same complex as I do but in different sections. So January the 3rd, ie "C" day will be that much less painful! I raised $170 in donations for the Red Cross which is pretty good!

Got an appointment booked for the work recommended counsellor for the 17th so I can discuss alll the legalities etc of "changing" my gender at work. I guess a visit to my EEO rep will be next on the list of things to do then see HR. Ofcourse I haven't legally changed my name yet but I can do that pretty much anytime over the christmas break.

Going to Spank tonight. Should be fun. Mighyt even take a photo and post it. Who knows????? LOL

Have fun people.

Caught by the Fuzz

2006-10-12T12:10:00.000+08:00

Well I managed to mess up last night on the way to the Chameleons meeting BIG time!

I found an old CD of The Cult and decided to listen to it on my way to the meeting in the truck! Ummm now that was a bit of a mistake I think. Well as it happened I was running a little late and the combination of being late and the wonderful full on sound of the cult playing just above the threshold of pain I ended up doing nearly 90kph down Guildford road which is only a 60 zone!

Now here is the stupid thing...... Normally I have an inbuilt radar for speed cameras and plain clothes cars. But last night that radar failed entirely. I over took a blue commodore that had several arials on the rear window which seemed to speed up a bit when I went past. I thought absolutely nothing of it and continued on my merry way singing at the top of my lungs!

AND then just as "Libertine" was drawing to a close I heard something that didn't belong in the song. I checked my mirror, ummmm only a blue commodore, nothing out of the ordinary. So I continued on and then the commodore flashed me and I heard the siren again.

I turned to look and both driver and passenger were making hand signals for me to pull over and then the siren came on again.

Bugger, I pulled up the next side street, cut the engine and got out to do my famous and patented walk up to the coppers in the vain hope they won't check out my car. It was only then that I realised I was dressed in my black skirt with red stitching and D rings all over it, a pair of opaques, my Mary jane t-bar shoes and the KMFDM tour t-shirt. Ahhhhh I thought to myself, this is going to be fun!

The police themselves were actually quite nice. Asked for my license, breath tested me, and then asked if there was something wrong with my steering....... "Ummmmm no" I answered, "Why?"

He informed me that the car had been swerving a bit and since I blew 0 on the machine he thought there might be something wrong with the car. It was then that I admitted that I hadn't heard the siren the first time very clearly cause I had the stereo up loud and was kind of "car dancing" so that might have been the cause of the swerving. He then asked if I hadn't noticed the lights?

"Your lights aren't on." I said pointing back to the his car.

He actually looked a little embarrassed by this and then told me they thought I wasn't going to stop and had started the procedure for a chase as I pulled over. Then he laughed and said that he couldn't do me for failure to stop in that case.

AND this is when it happened. His partner walked over to my truck and shone his torch underneith to see a large mess of oil covering the front diff and then noticed the roo bar was snapped and rusted in one spot, and my tail light was broken and I had no rubbers on the pedals. Grrrrrrr he put the sticker on my windscreen told me my obligations and suggested that I slow down a little in the future. And that was that. They drove away.

So yet again I have proven that police in WA just couldn't care how you are dressed just so long as the traffic coppers get their quotas for the day.

It seems there might be an unscheduled busy weekend this weekend, fixing up the truck to get it over the pits! Damn and I was going to get my nails done this saturday!

2006-10-05T19:45:00.000+08:00

Well 2 weeks of real unemployment, ie no money and nothing to do, seem to have cleared my head a bit. I feel a lot better about the world and the moments of happiness are far exceeding the moments of depression. It could be that I have taken stock of what is important to me in life, it could be that I have been reminded what it is to be a kid, parent, friend and it could also be that I have a new job.

I started a government job yesterday. My official title is Information Systems Officer, but in reality I will be building databases and flow charting processes. There is going to be a hell of a steep learning curve but it is nothing I can’t get my head around or do. So I have put my uni and legal aspirations on hold for now. A bit of financial stability is what I crave for the time being.

Went to the Pride fair day on the weekend. It was good fun but didn’t see many people I know there. Hazel came after a while and we wandered around for a bit and decided to head back to my place for a pizza dinner. We ended up playing Simpson’s Road Rage til late into the night with Beth.

Monday being a public holiday, I bummed around as much as possible and enjoyed a quiet day doing very little but achieving a few things that needed to be done. Really I have done very little since. Stress is at an all time low and the feeling of contentment within myself is at a level that hasn’t been achieved in nearly 3 years. I hope this continues.

**** Edit *****

I got offered a job with one of Australia's largest dedicated ISP's today. Think I will stay where I am. This job is just starting to get interesting!

Pills, Kids, XBox

2006-09-23T11:17:00.000+08:00

The last time I posted anything of substance was nearly a month ago. I haven’t posted anything because everytime I have sat down and written anything it ends up sounding like I am just about to slash my wrists or something. I admit there have been times when the thought of that has appealed to me but really I am far too much of a chicken now to even begin to try that. I mean OUCHIES it would hurt! So I haven’t posted.

I was in the type of mode for the past part of the last month that made me a very ugly person. I took my depression one stage further down the ladder. I wonder if that ladder ever reaches rock bottom, cause everytime I think I have finally reach the end, I somehow end up spiralling down just that little bit further.

On Friday the 15th I think I finally did find the bottom. I went to a particularly crap interview, if you could call it that. I spoke only to the receptionist and the remainder was computer testing. How on earth can they tell what type of candidate I am with out actually speaking to me. I went to my casual job, my only source of income, and instantly began to feel weird. I ended up in a screaming match with two people you just shouldn’t do that sort of thing with. I ended up being sacked. I really want to apologise to them not because I want my job back but because I am extremely sorry and truly didn’t mean most of the stuff that came out off my mouth, but I can’t find a way to face up to my own shame and go down and see them.

This was the night that the world came tumbling down yet again. I drove home in tears, almost crashing several times due to me paying no attention to the road at all. All the way home all I thought about was finally ending all the pain. When I got home, I picked up a bottle of pills poured a drink and went to sit at the table on the veranda. I stared at the bottle of pills for a while and picked up my phone instead. I called someone that I thought would understand, someone who has been there a lot for me recently. I would like to thank you “H” for your reaction, which was to ask me to come round, bring some alcohol and have a drink with you.

That night I drank the best part of a bottle of vodka to myself (there was about a centimetre left in the bottom of the bottle) and managed to find the blackness beyond pain.

Now this is the important part so LISTEN UP.

The next morning despite feeling very seedy, when my H’s ex rang to cancel having their young boy, I volunteered to look after him so that H could continue with the plans she had made for the day and the night. That day saw me still a bit depressed, but as the day wore on I discovered that I was actually enjoying myself, something I haven’t done for ages. We watched Robots (at least 3 times) made and flew paper aeroplanes, messed around with his toy swords, threw things for their dog to fetch (and run around madly with and never give back!) etc etc etc. It was fun. I hate to admit it but having children around really is good for me. At first I was happy because I HAD to be for his sake, and then something took over and I was happy just because!

H came home after a hard days shopping with her family, and after dinner put her boy to bed, and got herself ready to go out. I was disappointed that he slept all the way through the night, cause I didn’t have anyone to do silly kid things with!

The thing is that that sense of happiness has continued through the week, even though I haven’t had any work and know that there won’t be enough money for bills next fortnight. I looked after him again last night for H, but this time at my house. I was a little disappointed that all he wanted to do was play Xbox on the projector, but at 5 years of age that is what I would have wanted to do to!

Talking of Xbox’s I went and saw the bestest person EVER yesterday and they fixed my Xbox up that wasn’t running. Now I have an Xbox with a pink X on the start up screen with a celtic trans* logo, and then a splash screen with MY name, Cathii Scott, on it just before it boots up into an Xbox 360’esque menu. It is sooooooooo cool, and I owe you big time!!!!!! YAY.

?

2006-08-31T00:16:00.000+08:00

Awake

Aware

Alone

Are these things accurate or what?

2006-08-28T20:31:00.000+08:00

Your Inner Retro Girl Is

1980s Goth Girl

What Retro Girl Are You?

Vodka, Hungry jacks, McDonalds and Cafes

2006-08-25T22:40:00.000+08:00

The day started badly…. After drinking vodka the evening before and then taking the pills to help me sleep, I was very vague when I woke up. I went and soaked for half an hour in the bath, then got up ironed my “interview clothes” and walked to the train station. I was on my way to the 4th interview for one job. Damn 4 interviews? You have to be kidding, just give me the job already!

I walked away from the interview with a good feeling. Now if only my referees will give me a good word! I know Kate will, even though she doesn’t want me to leave Staging she is a good friend and respects the fact that I need a stable job to live life properly.

After the interview I found myself wondering a lot about why the hell I was even alive. I felt down after the high from feeling like they wanted me over so many other applicants. To calm the uncertainty in my mind I ate, and ate, and ate. Hungry jacks, McDonalds and then something from a café. Then I remembered the word from yesterday, “hefty”. Damn it why do I let these things get to me?

I went to work at Staging and the whole act came back to me. You know the act, I am wonderful and perfect, the world is wonderful and perfect. I had a good day. I sang and danced, mucked around and did a hell of a lot of work. BUT the instant I was back in y car heading home, the act wore off, and I was my same depressed and miserable self!

Well I am half way through the bottle of vodka I bought on the way home. Feeling good??

Hefty Mole

2006-08-25T21:09:00.000+08:00

Today I had only 2 things to do. I had to get to the pshrink, and go to Centrelink to finalise my claim for Newstart.

My ability to lie around in bed when I am supposed to be getting up never ceases to amaze me. I managed to be 10 minutes late to the pshrinks and when there I found it hard to answer anything he asked. The worst thing he asked was how I intend to deal with the impending financial crisis that I find myself in. With only $800 to my name I have roughly $3000 worth of bills to pay by next week. I am already down to the disconnection notices for most, and am running the gauntlet of having another foreclosure notice issued to me by the mortgage company. I know what is to come, but I can’t face up to that just yet. I need to use the ostrich approach. If I can’t see it happening, it can’t be happening. Apparently this is not healthy.

I was dressed as Cathii for my pshrink interview and had fully intended to continue on to Centrelink in Cathii mode.

Walking down the road to the car from the pshrinks my mind was going over what had happened in his office. I was asking myself, “why am I such a mess, why am I alive at all?” when a WRX drove past slowly, and in the passenger seat sat a guy in his mid 20’s. He wasn’t a small boy, in fact he would have weighed in a good 20 kgs heavier than I do. He leant out of the window and shouted, “F*cking hefty mole.”

F*cking hefty mole? My mind raced with rage, and the words began to form on my lips, “Piss off you fat asshole” but I stopped. Mole, he had used the word mole. It wasn’t that much of an insult to me at all. In fact it was a compliment. In his insult he had inadvertently given me a compliment. I was a “mole”, not a “fag”, not a “pervert”, not a “sick bastard”. He had used the feminine insult of mole. He had called me a fat woman. I looked down and saw that he was right. I was fat, and then it was the word hefty that began to hurt. Do women put up with this shit everyday?

I stopped along the way and bought some lunch and a small bottle of coke. Unconsciously that word hefty was playing on my mind and instead of ordering what I really wanted, I got a salad roll. I am beginning to understand why my ex had such a hard time out in public and why when we went out she was so conscious of what she ate.

The idea was to eat and drink in the car on the way to Centrelink, deal with the finalization interview and then have the rest of my day to myself. It was a good plan, but like all good plans there had to be a flaw. Driving away from the car park I opened the coke, which turned into a fountain and drenched me. Now a sticky wet mess, I decided that the only thing left to do was head home and change. I didn’t bother eating, that word hefty and the coke fountain had taken my appetite away.

When I got home I walked into the bathroom, got out of the wet clothes and washed the sticky mess off. I was no longer in the mood to face officialdom as Cathii. I simply put on the clothes that were will hanging up in the bathroom from yesterday’s interviews and headed out to become the newest Australian unemployment statistic.

The Crying Game

2006-08-18T10:37:00.000+08:00

Long time no blog. Lots of things have happened since the last real blog I did on the 4th. Most of it not good. I will spare you all the details and summarise by saying my mood has been spiralling out of control for the last 6 weeks to the point where last Friday morning I broke down almost completely. I rang my pshrink’s office and begged for an appointment asap. He rang me and made an on the spot alteration to my medication, which left me feeling a little flat and a lot nauseous.

On Monday at 2pm I received and email from at work from the supervisors of the temp staff telling us to clean out our desks because as of the close of business that day we would no longer have a job. Ironic that Centrelink should make us all unemployed. So now I am on the job trail in earnest.

Yesterday I went to see the pshrink and unleashed a lot of what is inside me. Far from making me feel good about the world, I felt numb and a little disconnected from reality afterwards. He has also changed the medication again and given me something to be able to sleep a little longer than the 1 or 2 hours I was getting in broken sleep for the last 6 weeks. This morning I have woken up feeling groggy and far from rested although I did manage about 5 hours of continuous sleep. See how I feel tomorrow morning when I have to be at Staging for a 7am bump out.

I also did First Contact (FCSO for those in the know!) with Centrelink applying for Newstart allowance yesterday. The poor girl on the other end of the phone was having no end of trouble getting things to work properly, and I ended up stepping her through booking an appointment manually for the call back interview rather than waste time on hold while she contacted a TSO. She had never done a manual booking before. How stupid is that, a permanent staff member being tutored by a now unemployed temp in her job. I really felt sorry for her because for all the time she has worked for Centrelink she has been made to transfer FCSO to temp staff and has only had a few days of trying to muddle through things and find out how it all works. I do hope that what we did on the phone has helped her get a bit more of a handle on things.

Going to my Job Network member interview this afternoon. So I am sitting here painting my nails black (or what remains of them after the bump in and out on Tuesday/Wednesday) and deciding on what I should wear. I had a notion of turning up Cathii rather than as my official self, Scott for this interview but decided against it. Might keep that for the final interview with Centrelink themselves, you never know there might be a few job openings for a trannie somewhere! :)

I had better get a job soon, or I will lose the house. I have no idea as to how I am going to pay all the outstanding bills, and might have to get out the solar panel to power the modem and router to stay on line after they cut my power off!!! Oh well we have a few more weeks before that happens.

So it has been all gloom and doom for the past little while. I am trying to remain as positive as possible, but as they say;

It is hard to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp when you are up to your arse in crocodiles.

OMG part 2

2006-08-06T21:15:00.000+08:00

You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude
You've got lots of it - and you love to give it
A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you
But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

OMG these quiz's are accurate

2006-08-06T20:38:00.000+08:00

You Should Wear Black Lipstick

Confident, dramatic, and unexpected.

Your look: Gothic beauty

Your signature lip gloss flavor: Ginger

What Shade of Lipstick Should You Wear?

Outed!!!

2006-08-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

About 2 weeks ago the girl who sits diagonally opposite me at work, Kathy, was talking about her partner Scott. I had a small chuckle to myself and remarked that the combination of names was a good one. Kathy asked me if my partner’s name was Cathii (although I am sure she didn’t mentally spell the name like that). I only responded, “Something like that”

Later that day she was talking to Beth in the tea room, and mentioned that it was funny that my partners name was Cathii and that her partners name was Scott. Beth looked a little puzzled but didn’t let the cat out of the bag.

On Monday, as you can see from my last post, I went to work with a bit of drag queen makeup and a blue wig on (not to mention the 4.5” coffin heels, my favourite shoes!!!) and toward the end of the day I sent a pic of myself and another t*girl, Collette to one of the other girls that sits near me. As I expected she showed the photo to everyone that sits around me and commented that I had more cleavage than she did. She then demanded I show the picture of me and Beth at Club West to everyone.

Essentially I was outed at work. Although I guess outed might not be the best word to use. I was intentionally outed is probably a better explanation.

Naturally people asked questions and answered as best I could. Now I find myself in a position where they all want Cathii to come to work, at least for a day. So we are planning a “dress the way you would to go out on the town” day to be held possibly on the 11th subject to the supervisor’s permission.

So Cathii will make her working debut for real next Friday.

As for Kathy, the penny dropped as to why Beth looked so puzzled when they talked in the tea room.

Drag Queen Call Centre Cathii

2006-08-01T07:00:00.000+08:00

We had a "Blue" day at work yesterday. I think I over did it!

Sick Day Part 3

2006-07-22T09:13:00.000+08:00

I have woken up this morning in a totally different frame of mind to that of yesterday. Thank God!!! Despite losing the money for a days work, I think taking the day off yesterday was a good thing. I applied for a couple of jobs, failed to tidy the house at all, lounged around in bed and thought of all the good things in my life.

I am a lucky person in general terms. I tend to land on my feet every time I fall. Why should this time be any exception? So armed with a (probably unjustified) sense of invincibility, I began thinking over the REAL dilemmas in my life.

The only real dilemma that I currently have is that I desperately want to go full time, but I am too afraid of the consequences should I take that plunge. I wanted to go fulltime in time for my birthday on the 4th of July, then I got this job and I was afraid to lose it should I transition so soon after getting it.

The fact that my supervisors have constantly told me that my stats for accuracy, call handling time and activity rates are all well above what they expect from their permanent staff, tells me I am more than capable of doing this or any other job of this type. To top it off I actually enjoy talking to people, cause lets face it, I tend to enjoy that in almost any circumstance.

Why should any of that have been any different as Cathii. Cathii is after all a more social, outgoing and confident person than Scott ever was. (why do I insist on talking about myself as two different people?)

So now I am tossing up my options. Should I stick to the “revised” plan and go full time on January 3rd (exactly 12 months after starting hormones)? Or should I formulate a new plan and go fulltime now knowing that the response from prospective employers my not be what I want. I have a good telephone voice for a boy, but I am still yet to see a speech therapist and the girl voice is a cross between a ludicrous falsetto and Renee Gayor.

I know that failing to get a job in the next 3 weeks will ultimately lead to me having to sell the house and thereby reduce my chances of going to Thailand in my “scheduled” time. But I know that remaining boy at work for another 6 months is going to send me insane (like I’m not already???)

Should I think long term and be boy for now? Or should I think sanity and go fulltime asap? All opinions welcomed and appreciated.

Sick Day Part 2

2006-07-21T11:07:00.000+08:00

My last post was a bit of an incomplete thought. I wrote it last night as I was drifting towards a very restless sleep.

It seems that our contracts at work are to be terminated as of the 18th of August. Yes I know it was a “temporary” position but there came with it many promises of contract extensions and permanent positions. As it is it seems that I won’t even be able to serve out the 6 months that I signed up for.

The thing that pisses me off is that I chose this job over another much better paying and more interesting but temporary job because of the promises of a permanent position. I find it a little bit bizarre that the first time in my life I have chosen a job with the future in mind, I end up with NO future in that position. Normally I choose jobs cause I think they will be fun, interesting or make me extremely rich (ok never found one of those…. YET!!!)

So today after waking up constantly through the night worrying about things like the mortgage, the already over due phone bills, the impending council rates bill, I called in sick and have thereby forfeited about $120 in the hand pay. Odd, I am worried about paying bills and I still don’t go to work to get the money to pay them.

I decided that today is going to be a day of activity, but as of 11am I am still sitting in bed wondering what I am going to do.

Have to apply for a few jobs today, get stuff ready for the weekend and tidy the house. I might go get some wine to make the house tidying go a little bit easier! In fact I might walk the puppy down to the shops since she hasn’t had a walk for about 4 days.

I am trying very hard to think positive about this situation, perhaps a better opportunity will present itself, but I can’t shake that “I am pissed off” feeling!

sick day

2006-07-21T10:29:00.000+08:00

Sitting in bed wondering why the world turns. Should it turn quite like this or is my head so messed up that all I can feel is the motion of the earth as it spins endlessly toward its final destruction? Or am I being too melodramatic?

Every rotation of this planet seems to bring with it a new set of problems. Just as I seem to cope with one, another 10 spring up to replace it. Is this how the transition process is supposed to be? If so how have so many before me coped? How am I going to cope? Is there an end in sight?

Too many questions in my brain right now and not enough answers.

Semi-out at the new job

2006-07-14T08:04:00.000+08:00

.

Well I accidentally came out to a few of people at work this work. The first was a young girl that was in my training group.

One day at lunch a few weeks back we were talking about a few things an d I happened to mention that I went to Club West with Beth last time it was on. She asked a few questions about Club West I answered them all quite honestly.

When she asked what type of crowd went there I simply said that predominently it was a gay and lesbian crowd which prompted her to ask if I was gay. I answered by saying no I prefered girls (which is the truth but maybe not the whole truth) and that I was actually there with a table of trannies. She laughed and asked if I had gone dressed up too.

When I said yes I went with a long skirt 4" coffin heels and a purple velvet corset, she instantly asked if I had a photo. So the nxt day I emailed her the photo of Beth and myself.

So now we progress to this week. I had been talking about Sin and she had asked a few questions about it, and I said why not find out for herself and come along this saturday night. So she agreed. I then had that attack of guilt about whether I should forewarn her and after a quick discussion wih Beth about it she told me I should. So I sent her an email telling her that I really needed to tell her something about myself before she came to Sin, basically that the photo I had sent her was the way I dresed normally for going out to places including Sin (although not neccessarily the same clothes all the time cause they would tend to get a bit stinky)

Her reaction? "Cool I don't care as long as you enjoy yourself"

Yesterday as her and her mother were leaving work (Yes her mother works there too, must be something about the place and parents and daughters) Her mum smiled at myself and the girl that sits next to me, waved and said "bye girls". So I guess she may have told her mother as well!

The next person to find out was the girl that sits next to me. Beth and Ange were in the Dungeon on break having a smoke and Beth said something about stealing my clothes in conversation. I really don't know how the conversstion ran but Beth mentioned the skirt of mine that she had stolen and now won't give back (I would like it back should I ever get slim enough to actually wear it you know Beth!!!) Ofcourse there were some questions about me having a skirt in the first place and Beth told her that I was a trannie. So far no bad reactions.

Well it is Friday afternoon drinks today, I wonder how many more folk will find out and whether I might be fulltime sooner than I had planned in this job?

.

2006-07-13T00:46:00.000+08:00

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now. (I miss my little girl. QLD is so far away.)	× I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books.
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (well now I do)
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

✓ I have broken someone's bones.	× I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. (already revealed that one!!!!)	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	✓ I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (Derr I am gonna get it even if it costs $1,000,000)	✓ I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
✓ I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	✓ I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
× I like the way that I look.	✓ I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	× I am usually pessimistic.
✓ I have a lot of mood swings.	× I think prostitution should be legalized.	✓ I slept with a roommate.
✓ I have a hidden talent.	✓ I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	✓ I have a lot of friends.
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex.	✓ I enjoy talking on the phone.	✓ I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	✓ I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	✓ I've rejected someone before.
× I currently like/love someone.	✓ I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	× I want to have children in the future.
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	✓ I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
✓ I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	× I enjoy some country music.
× I would die for my best friends.	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
× I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	✓ I have dated a close friend's ex.	✓ I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	× Democrat.	× Republican.
✓ I don't even know what I am. (well that obvious!)	✓ I am punk rockish.	× I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	✓ I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	✓ I can work on a car.
× I love my job(s).	✓ I am comfortable with who I am right now.	✓ I have more than just my ears pierced.
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can.	✓ I have jumped off a bridge.	✓ I love sea turtles.
✓ I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	× I am proficient on a musical instrument.
✓ I hate office jobs.	× I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
× I am a pyro.	✓ I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
× I fall for the worst people.	× I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays. (What are they?)	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	✓ I still have every journal I've ever written in.	× I talk in my sleep.
× I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	× I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
× I have a tattoo.	✓ I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with. (can I tick this more than once???)	✓ I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	✓ If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
✓ I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	✓ If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	✓ I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible.	✓ I love hugs more than kisses.
✓ I want to own my own business.	✓ I smoke.	✓ I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
✓ I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	× I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
✓ I have played strip poker with someone else before.	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	× I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
× I can't stand being alone.	✓ I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
✓ I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	✓ I'm a judgmental asshole.	✓ I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
✓ I have travelled on more than one continent.	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	× I can speak more than one language.	✓ I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
✓ I would rather read than watch TV.	✓ I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	✓ I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	✓ I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	✓ There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	✓ The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
× I am compulsively honest.	✓ I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired. (born with a penis, what sort of bad luck is that?)	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
✓ I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	✓ I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	✓ I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
× I always carry something significant around with me.	✓ Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	× I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	✓ I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document. (yea i lied!)	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
✓ I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	✓ I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	× I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
✓ I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	✓ I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	✓ I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
× I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	× I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	✓ I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	✓ I've gone skinny-dipping.	× I've performed in three plays.
✓ I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	× I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	× Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	× Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	× I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	✓ I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
× Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	× Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

Happy Birthday to me

2006-07-04T07:15:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthdayto me. hmmmm 36 divide by 2 = 18.... does that mean I am 18 AGAIN?????

Lets do Lunch!!!!

2006-07-02T20:38:00.000+08:00

I had a bit of a dilemma yesterday. After coming back from the shops and spending a lot more money than I wanted to (damn impulse buys!!) I had to get changed and go to the “girls” lunch with Anita and I just couldn’t decide what to wear.

The dilemma was this, I knew this would be a jeans and t-shirt affair, but it was the first time anyone there would have met Cathii. I really wanted to create a good impression, make them think that I wasn’t just mucking around with this whole thing, but I didn’t want to over dress either. What to do? Go comfy in jeans and t-shirt? Or dress up a bit? In the end I kinda settled for a combination of both. I didn’t wear jeans but I didn’t go over the top either. I wore a skirt and as expected I was the only one there in a skirt, and a black top (yea what other colour do I wear lol). I also did an absolute minimum of makeup, a little powder and nothing else.

I felt very self conscious heading there because normally I am either done up to the nines out at clubs, or slothing around the house in either my pj’s or op shop jeans etc. Really the game that my head was playing with me was totally unnecessary. Everyone there just accepted me as me. Next time it is jeans and t-shirt and bugger making an impression!

The lunch itself was great. It consisted mostly of a lot of wine, premixes and laughter. Oh and the food was pretty damn good too, thanks Ness!!! Well lunch became dinner and before I knew it I was getting phone calls from Beth asking where I was and when I was going to pick her up to go out clubbing. Looking at my phone I realised it was 11pm so I made my apologies and left.

I got home slapped a load of makeup on, changed shoes and headed out to Skandolous with Beth. Skandolous is a fairly new club on the LGBT scene here in Perth and I was a little disappointed to find the Sat night crowd was a little sparse. We drank our weight in alcohol just to help along their bar take for the night, and then headed to Amps where I was shocked at the bouncer actually asking Beth for ID. I don’t think I have ever seen them checking ID there. Beth offcourse wasn’t carrying any ID and despite assurances that I was her father (all be it in a skirt) and that she was 18 she couldn’t get in. Beth decided to head home and I went in alone but soon found people that I know and danced and drank the night away.

My head still hurts, and I spent way too much money, but all up it is my birthday this week and I will be damned if I am going to allow my other problems get in the way of celebrating my rapid and premature aging!!!! (premature or immature, I don’t know which)

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The world is an odd place

2006-07-01T10:15:00.000+08:00

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I have just read back over the past few posts I have made and truly they make me out to be a depressing and horrible person. The truth is that I don’t see myself that way and hope that the people around me don’t see me that way either.

I feel I owe an explanation to the cryptic posts of the past month, but I am not fully able to discuss these things yet. To give you an outline I have been called a freak by one of the people that is most important to my life, and she has told me that she neither wants to speak to me again nor to see me again. I guess getting wildly drunk and making posts here wasn’t the best way of coping with that situation, but I really don’t know what else to do. Add to that the stress of owing vast sums of money to my mortgage company and having been threaten with foreclosure unless the full amount is paid by the 10th of this month, my life has taken a slightly sombre turn.

The second situation will be easier to deal with than the first. All I have to do is swallow my pride and go see my family and ask for a loan, but I am not very good at asking for help and feel very awkward especially due to, in relative terms, only recently coming out to them.

The first situation has me totally confused. I don’t know how to deal with it at all and it is taking a big toll on me. This isn’t how it was meant to happen, and now I am finding it incredibly difficult to cope with. I have backed off totally and told them I won’t make contact until they wish to speak to me. But how long will that be?

So far another depressing post!!! But it hasn’t been all bad in my world.

Recently I got a job with Centrelink in their call centre (Centrelink is the Australian social security office) and hope to hold on to this job through transition. Their equal opportunities policy specifically mentions gender and gender history, so I feel a little more secure. It isn’t as much money as I am used to, but I guess I can sacrifice a few thousand dollars a year for a bit of job security.

I am currently working boy there and will probably see out my initial 6 month contract in boy mode. Although going to work with nail polish on, talking about my trannie friends at lunch time with co workers and showing the pic of me and Beth when we were at club west to several people in my team, including my supervisor, has probably told them I am not the average standard guy. On top of that Beth (who incidentally is also working there) telling supervisors that are trying to get my attention by calling out Scott without any luck, that calling out Cathii will get my attention! I have already been asked by several people if I am gay, and I simply tell them that, “It depends on your definition of gay, you never know it might be far worse than that!” and then I laugh manically.

I have also been read, in reverse, at work. I was having a smoke in the dungeon (we are only allowed to smoke in the basement of the carpark!!!) when an older lady came up to me and after a bit of general conversation asked me if I was a trannie (yes I was at work and yes I was in boy mode). She then told me that she was 15 years post op, and that made me feel more at ease with the prospects of being there through the whole process. People tell me that being read is a terrible thing, but in this case it was quite wonderful.

I also made contact with a friend that I haven’t seen for about 3 years. Anita and I have known each other for ages (maybe 15-16 years) but when my brain started to melt down the first time, I cut off contact with a lot of people that I know. Sadly I never picked up contact with Anita until just the other week. I had to tell her all about Cathii and it was easier to do than I thought it was going to be. We caught up on a lot of goings on in each others lives and today, I am headed out with Anita to a girls lunch with a few mutual friends. That will be interesting.

One thing Anita mentioned that shocked me was that a night that I hold pivotal in my life, she also remembers as a night that she started asking a lot of questions about her self. It is odd how a simple party that we went to together about 14 years ago has effected us both through out our lives. Maybe I will post a pic of that night if I can be bothered hooking up the scanner.

Anyway gotta go, the puppy is hassling me for food and I have to go shopping then get ready to go to Anita’s for 1pm.

Deception, Hurt, Drunk, Realisation

2006-06-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

There was a time when I thought I knew all the answers, had everything under control and believed that nothing could go wrong in my life.

Since letting Cathii off the leash, since I stopped pretending that she didn’t exist and stopped pretending that she wasn’t me and I wasn’t her, things have changed. I now no longer have any certainty in my life. Everything I thought was forever has gone, moved away, or simply stopped being true. The only truth I had in my life was the love I had for the people around me, some very special people whom I still love to this day. Other than that my “ideal” life, all be it one of deception and hurt, was all I had and now that has slipped away leaving a vacuum filled with a sense of aimlessness. I just don’t know what I am supposed to be doing anymore.

Recently every time I have had things start to look like things are going well for me something else comes along and slaps me across the face.

Why are things so hard for me right now? Perhaps because all of a sudden, for the first time in my life I noticing reality, I am noticing how things work in the world, and I am trying to cling on to the deception of my past as some sort of guideline of how things should be.

Life has its ups and downs. To be honest I would prefer the downs to be not quite as long as this one has been, and for the ups to last a little longer than a day or two.

Malcolm Fraser said, “Life wasn’t meant to be easy” but that was easy for him to say, as he slipped into the drivers seat of a brand new Saab and drove away from a property that would these days be worth millions.

I think it was John Lennon (among others) that said, “what will be, will be” and I am just now beginning to live by those words. The good, the bad, the mediocre, the just plain boring, it is all part of life. Soak it up. Enjoy it. Learn from it. Be content just being you.

Finally, to a very special person that I hurt on the weekend whilst upset and drunk, I loved you then, I still love you now and will always love you. I am sorry I hurt you and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. The offer still stands, drinks after work, my shout.

Shdow of the man I used to be

2006-06-18T17:23:00.000+08:00

I sw myself the other day.
I didn't recognise a single thing.
This is what I wanted to achieve.
Be a shadow of the man I used to be.
Intrsasonic

I came here to leave

2006-06-18T13:29:00.000+08:00

I've only come here seeking peace.
I've only come here seekeing me.
It seems I came to leave.
VNV Nation

Trucks

2006-06-18T12:00:00.000+08:00

Why is it that just when you think your life is back on track and things are moving sweetly, a bloody great big semi trailer comes round the corner and runs you, your hopes and your dreams over destroying them all?

How goth art thou?

2006-06-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

You scored as Old-school Goth. You are an old-school goth. Forget Tina and Rogue, your idols are still Siouxsie and Peter and Fat Bob, and black lipstick and white powder is still the way to go.

Romantic Goth

83%

Old-school Goth

83%

Industrial/Rivet-Head

58%

Ethereal Goth

54%

Anything-Goes Goth

50%

Death Rocker

46%

Fantasy Goth

46%

Cyber-goth

42%

Perky Goff

29%

Confused Outsider

Understanding Outsider

What subcategory of Goth best fits you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Pride

2006-05-31T08:48:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since I posted, it isn’t that there hasn’t been anything worthy to post about but more a case of the time to sit and write a post is limited. Let me give you a brief update on the happenings in my life.

One of my best friends fathers died just recently after having been diagnosed with lung cancer. Doug was like a second father to me when I was growing up, and I will miss him terribly.

I quit my day job. One day just had a mental spaz attack decided that this job was stressing me more than being broke would. So I quit. Now I am broke and wondering how to pay bills, but feeling a whole lot better in myself.

I went to the Brisbane Hotel (a really trendy place) with Grant and Bronte all gothed up ready for Sin afterwards. Nobody cared or even noticed a great deal, they were all to busy being absorbed in their own worlds.

Club Voltaire opened officially, and despite some blackouts cause by overloading of the ONLY phase of power that was connected at the time, and a fall from the stage in which I sprained my ankle quite badly, I think most things went quite well. Even a couple of people that Beth doesn’t necessarily get along with too well told me that the night was a good one and once the teething issues are sorted it should be a fantastic venue.

Actually it is Club Voltaire that I want to talk about now, or more precisely the person behind Club Voltaire, my daughter Beth.

Fathers are always meant to be proud of their children. Sometimes they are allowed to be disappointed, maybe even mad, but always father’s remain proud of their kids. But in the last 5-6 months my pride in Beth as my daughter has changed.

Since she announced that she was going to take over the nightclub that used to be called Nu Vibe, my feelings have evolved a lot. I must admit when she first told me I was thinking, “Do you seriously know how much work goes into a nightclub”

Obviously she did know, and has put in a lot of work to make this happen. A LOT OF WORK. Many sleepless nights, a lot of long hours, literally thousands of dollars of phone calls. There are points in the process where I am sure any normal person would have thrown their hands up in the air and proclaimed it all to hard.

There have been times, especially with the renovations delaying the opening, and then subsequently not being complete for the delayed opening, that have tested her resolve, but always in the end she has pulled things together and made it all work.

Yes fathers should be proud of their daughters but my pride in Beth has changed. No longer am I proud of Beth as my daughter. I am proud of Beth as the strong independent woman she has become.

Club Voltaire Grand Opening THIS FRIDAY!

2006-05-17T14:05:00.000+08:00

Just another shameless Plug!!!! LOL

Club Voltaire

2006-05-15T11:38:00.000+08:00

The thing about keeping a blog is that invariably when you have something good to blog about you simply don’t have time to get to a ‘puter and write it all down. Such has been my last week.

The anti-d’s are doing their job, and whilst I don’t like taking them I don’t think I could have managed to get through the last couple of weeks without them. I have been so busy that sleep has started to take on some kind of mythical status, with very rare visits to my comfy, if somewhat sandy bed (many thanks to Shida my Malamute puppy for the sand and hair contribution to my bed).

Beth is opening a nightclub which caters more for the alternative market, mainstream be damned!!! But with renovations being well behind schedule and a commitment to a promoter that could not be changed, we had no choice but to open up with the club less than half ready.

We had one week to organise everything and get the club to a level that we could have people in. Many things needed to be done including the removal of about 6 inches of insulation dust and general rubbish from EVERY surface in the building, a stage needed to be built, bars stocked, electricity organised, the list was seemingly endless.

Nearly every night last week I spent at the club and returned home sometimes as late as 4am only to have to be at the real job at 8am. To make matters worse my one refuge when I am tired and over worked, the shower, had a blocked drain and no amount of draino could fix it. On Thursday night after finishing work at 5pm, I drove straight to the club to build the stage. The stage is massive and every band that has seen it has commented on the size. To tell you the truth a three piece tends to look a bit lost standing up there.

After arriving at the club at 6pm and having a small bite to eat from Taka’s. I started building. Finally at 2:30 in the afternoon on Friday after cutting, sawing, drilling and screwing my way right through the night, the stage was complete. Then it was time to go get the alcohol to stock the bar and a million other tasks. Saturday during the day was every bit as hectic, doing a final vacuum and fixing a zillion things that were wrong in the club. Finally it came time to open.

Wow. The crowd rolled in, and in and in. By 2am the premixes and bottled beer had been drunk dry, the spirits were looking decidedly low, and the kegs had started to refuse to pour properly.

The glass washer had broken down at the beginning of the night and my honorary managerial role disappeared when I turned into the ‘dish pig’. I spent the whole night with my hands in the sink washing glasses as the glassy brought them in. It was hard to keep pace with the demand for glasses and the glassy was finding it hard to wrestle things like jugs and pint glasses away from the punters. Several times we ran clean out of jugs, pint glasses and shot glasses. That bloody glass washer had better be fixed before next weekend cause I ain’t doing that again.

The night was the Western Front Metal Awards Night. Which meant that there was plenty of metal heads in the club. These guys were fantastic and despite drinking the bar dry in record time were actually a real pleasure to have there. I guess like every sub section of society that has a bad name, the truth is rarely the same as the rumour. Plus with the money they spent they are more than welcome back anytime!

From what seemed to be an impossible task at the beginning of the week, Beth, myself and a group of fantastic friends and amazing employees managed to make a great night of it. Many thanks to all that helped, you were all wonderful.

Now the contractors are moving back in this week to finish putting up the ceilings and rewiring the club, it seems that all that work will all have to be done all over again in time for the grand opening on Friday night.

Another sleepless week coming up.

A small section of the crowd at Club Voltaire, 13/05/06

A really bad shot of one of the bands at Club Voltaire, 13/05/06

And now for the shameless plug.

This Friday night the 19th of May 2006, Club Voltaire will be holding their Grand Opening. A night of EBM / Industrial / Synth Pop and general dark alternative music.

3 Bands will be playing on the night. Intrasonic (yep my personal favourite local band), Temple of Tears and Somovaw. All three are fantastic bands and well worth the low door price of just $10.

Along with that there is also tantric firedancing and other entertainment. DJ’s Evac, Mikkael and Dan will provide tunes in between bands. Doors open at 9pm and everyone will be unceremoniously booted out at 6am.

Should be fun (if the glass washer works this time!!!!)

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****Edit*****

Derrrr how are people meant to go there if I don't tell them the address.

Club Voltaire at NuVibe
434 William St
Perth.

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Nothing Exciting

2006-05-06T19:59:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I last updated this thing. Lots has happened, some good, some not so good but an awful lot that has been mundane and run of the mill.

Firstly it appears that i have a touch of the flu... I don't mind the flu at all as long as i work at a job where i get paid sick days. I don't. I also don't mind as long as it doesn't interfere with my plans to go out. It did. Sitting in bed on a saturday night is not my idea of a BIG night out..... grrrrrr But look on the brightside, there will be no hangover tomorrow morning, my feet won't be sore from dancing in rediculously impractical shoes, and i estimate i am saving myself somewhere between $50 and $200.

The past 8 weeks for me emotionally has been a long series of down with brief respites of fun and good times. I normally don't write about my moods, but they have been so all consuming they have coloured my every waking moment.

The shrink gave me some anti-depressents which after 2 weeks were making me vomit almost hourly and as a ?wonderful? side affect making me totally numb emotionally. I gave them back and refused the replacements he wanted to give me. Two weeks later I had to back down, and this week I begged my GP to give me something. These anti-d's aren't making me feel sick at all and honestly it feels a little weird emotionally at the moment but she says it will tone down after a week. Heres hoping.

Nothing of earth shattering significance has happened this week, maybe the only thing that made me smile about myself this week was a trip to Red Rooster. I was half dressed to go out when we decided to flag it off and stay home and drink instead. Deciding we were hungry we went down to the local Red Rooster for dinner. Thing was I was only half ready to appear as Cathii in the outside world, I hadn't done any makeup. It was the first time Cathii has gone out without makeup on and damn it felt good. I mean how many RG's put on makeup to go to a fast food place? OK lets exclude Beth.

And that is an indication of my week, if that was the most exciting thing I did then you can guess how wonderfully exciting the rest of my week was.

Oh yea, my laptop died..... and for someone that workds in IT guess what.... thats right NO backups... c'est la vie.

Cathii meets "old friends" for the first time

2006-05-02T11:07:00.000+08:00

Saturday night was an extremely significant night for me.

Although I try to keep a lot of things as seamless as possible, in my current situation that has become more and more difficult. My life seems to be divided into 4 parts; family, old and close friends, work and Cathii’s brave new life in a big bad world. Unfortunately in these four worlds there is only one that has Cathii as the lead actress.

I tend to live in Cathii’s world as much as possible but for 8 hours a day I must revert to Scott for work which really sucks, as I have complained before.

Of the other 2 worlds, family and friends, they have all known now for a reasonable period of time about Cathii, but have never seen or met her (there are exceptions to that rule). That changed for my “friends” world on Saturday night. The four friends that I have had since I was a kid, the ones that stood by me through drug addiction, bad marriages, mild (if there is such a thing) alcoholism, several attempts on my own life, a few attempts on other peoples lives and all the other wonderful stuff that I did when I was pretending to be Scott, got to meet Cathii.

Scott, Jeff, Grant and Patrick are the four friends that mean the most to me in this world. Patrick’s wonderful girlfriend Nadine and of course Beth, also came and there was a bit of overlap of worlds when a few people from Cathii’s world also showed up.

All my angst about how they would see me, how they would treat me disappeared within five minutes at the pub. We went to a bar in Perth called the Hula Bula Bar, which is quite amazing, decked out like a Hawaiian tiki hut and huge range of cocktails on offer, the kitsch value alone was enough to make the night a success. When the boys all arrived and a few drinks had been consumed it was as if Cathii had always been the person in that group, and Scott became a distant memory.

They were not only accepting but also encouraging in their own way, making comments about my “rack” and a lot of other things. They were being themselves and neither my mode of dress nor my choices in life changed the way they treat me. Although at one stage Grant offered me his seat, which he would do for any lady. But for me?

After the Hula Bula we went to Sin to see my current favourite live band, Intrasonic and they were once again fantastic. It wasn’t a late one, we all were safely at home before 3am, which is fortunate because I had to start work at 9am.

So now 2 of my 4 worlds are Cathii friendly. Work will be warned shortly but bugger them if they can’t handle it. Family is the next major hurdle, and I am sure I am going to do that very soon… I just need an excuse to get them all together.

These photos are terrible, I am pulling faces, chicken fillets are showing etc, but the night was so wonderful for me that I will treasure these (really bad) photos for the rest of my life and be able to remember that no matter what happens, these people are my best friends and have never let me down.

Scott, Jeff, Cathii, Patrick and Grant in the front

Grant, Cathii and Patrick

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Optus, useless idiots

2006-04-27T16:38:00.000+08:00

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WARNING: Rant ahead

Grrrrrr if there is one thing I hate more than big business, it is INCOMPETENT big business.

About 10-12 months ago, for some reason the bills for my mobile phone ceased arriving. I just didn’t get a bill. The amazing thing was that when I hadn’t paid the bill (because I had never received one) Optus in all their infinite wisdom decided to cut my phone off.

Now I am pretty easy going with my life, when a bill arrives I assess its importance and pay it in accordance with the availability of funds. Mostly I have my bills paid on or before the due date although there are the ones that slip through and are paid a little late. Basically though if a bill arrives, it gets paid.

Not having bills arrive throws a bit of a spanner in the works. For a start it is a little difficult to pay the right amount on a bill if you simply don’t have it, and similarly it is a bit hard to know when the random sum of money is actually due.

The first time I rang Optus they told me to check that none of my other mail was missing, like someone might be stealing it. The thing is that I had cheques, money orders and cash arriving quite frequently, but none of those were ever missing. Telstra, as useless as they are, kept sending me their bills, as did the gas and electricity companies. Bills arrived quite merrily in my mail box with the only ones missing being Optus. Hmmm that’s not quite true, two weeks after the due date for the bills I never received, I would religiously receive a disconnection notice with an additional fee added to my next bill.

Subsequent phone calls to Optus Customer Service (fancy name for something that doesn’t seem to service anything including their customers) resulted in no further information and no further bills arriving.

Just after my phone was disconnected the last time for non-payment of the non-existent bill, I finally had some sort of response from Optus. Apparently I had registered for a service called “B-Pay View” and as a result they ceased sending me paper bills. Why could they have not told me this 7 months previous? The thing is though, I NEVER registered for B-Pay View, nor did anyone have the authority to do it on my behalf.

Ok so problem identified, lets change it and get back on track.

Me: Ok no problems just cancel that for me put me back on the list for receiving paper bills, and all will be happy.

Operator: I’m sorry I can’t cancel the authorisation for B-Pay View because that has come from your bank, and only you have the authority to do that.

Me: Hmmm OK, just tick the box on my account that says receive paper bills and I will sort out this thing with the bank.

Operator: I’m sorry but we are unable to send you a bill unless you first change the authorisation with the bank.

Me: You are kidding aren’t you, I mean this is Optus I am talking to, and it is an Optus mobile phone account, and my services are billed by Optus aren’t they?

Operator: Ummm yes but we can only send you a bill OR have you registered for B-Pay View.

Well the conversation got a little circular from there on in. I mean what company is that inept that it can’t send you a paper bill.

I checked quickly by registering with Telstra for B-pay View for their accounts and lo and behold every month a paper bill in my mailbox from them. So now I know that it is possible to be registered and receive a bill. Say what you like about Telstra, but at least they will send you a bill when you request it.

It has gone on like this with me EVERY month ringing these useless idiots at Optus and requesting a paper bill, no such joy. Each time I get the same stupid responses out of the customer manual. So eventually today, I asked for my service to be disconnected, and the contract cancelled.

The rude bastards there want $120 to break the contract that only has 2 months to run. My total spend per month ranges from $44 (the minimum) and $55. What a bunch of assholes. I am thinking of just taking out the SIM and going into Telstra (as much as I think they are a bunch of useless idiots as well) and getting a new contract with them. At least it would cost less than the break of contract fee. I wonder if them not sending me a bill constitutes a breach of contract?

Continuously I am paying late fees, having my phone disconnected etc, and what for??? Because Optus is that incompetent that they can’t send me a paper bill. All I want is a bill sent to me in the post each month. Is that too much to ask for?

My advice, steer well clear of Optus when choosing a mobile provider. Optus are not only incompetent when it comes to their billing, but get more than 5km East of Midland, 2km south of Pinjarra or 2km north of Clarkson and their coverage runs out. Going up North I get coverage in Geraldton and Carnarvon. My brother and his Telstra GSM phone has coverage in most major townsites and around some roadhouses too.

Optus are useless, rude, and totally inept.

Rant endeth:

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Trannie murdered, journalist and police guilty of being totally uncompassionate

2006-04-27T13:36:00.000+08:00

Ok so I know I am getting on my high horse again…. Nice pony…. But really there needs to be some consistency and maybe a little compassion within the media and the police when it comes to the trans community.

Police seek killer of man found at motel
The “man” that was murdered was called Krystal Heskin and had lived as a woman for 5 years. Indeed even the police thought she was a woman.

Schmidt said police at first thought Heskin was a woman.

"It appeared at first to be a woman but it was not. It's a male," Schmidt said. "We don't know if that's the real name. Obviously there's another name than Krystal. We think that could be the alias."

Ok first problem with this quote……

This is a person we are dealing with, true she is dead, but does that give anyone the right to call her “it”? Is the journalist that stupid or that clueless as to allow a quote like that into a paper local to the area that the poor girl’s family lives in.

IT is what my car is, my fridge, my TV, my house, you get the idea. IT is an object, not a person.

Second Problem…..

“Obviously there’s another name than Krystal”? For god sakes Madonna has “another” name too, so does Prince, but honestly does it matter what they are? I mean do you know who James Jewell Osterberg, Jr. is?? Or do you know who Iggy Pop is? Krystal WAS her legal name, why state that “obviously there’s another name” Shouldn’t police just stick with the facts and get on with catching the killer rather than speculate publicly about someone’s birth name?

Hmmm better leave this one alone right now before I get really worked up….Argh….. one day these morons might just get it right… til then I guess I am getting angry at journalists and police.

Phone call

2006-04-24T16:02:00.000+08:00

Just had a phone call from one of my friends. His father has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. The outlook is bleak with at best just months left to live.

Scott was the first person I met when I moved to Western Australia, and we spent so much time together as kids his parents are like my second mum and dad.

Right now I don’t even know what to write. I find it hard to even believe this is true.

Having lost my own father not so long ago, I know what you are going through Scott, and want you to know that I will be here for you should you need me. Give my love to your Dad and Mum and let them know how much I love them both.

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Gender is NOT sexuality

2006-04-24T14:09:00.000+08:00

It has been an interesting weekend for me. One that opened my eyes to a lot of peoples perception of transexuality and one that reinforced my belief that I am doing the right thing in my life.

On Friday I booked in for laser (not actually, laser it is actually Elos which is almost the same thing). The “beard” is starting to recede after just 2 treatments. This was my third treatment and hopefully those dark patches on my chin should start to disappear.

The problem with having laser is that I tend to break out badly afterward and my skin goes a really weird pasty nasty texture. For about 4 or 5 days I can’t wear makeup otherwise it exacerbates the problems with my skin, hence the weekend going out boy mode.

I was going to the work Xmas party on Friday night and was asked by the boss to turn up in boy mode. I work part time on weekends for a company that does lighting, audio and themeing of corporate functions. All through the Christmas period it is exceptionally busy and so it is generally April before the Xmas party can be held.

If I was going out boy mode I was going to do something big. So I dyed my hair bright purple, bought a new purple tie to match the hair, painted my nails a dark flecked purple and made sure that I put some bright purple eye shadow on as well. I really should have bought some purple eyeliner and mascara just to make the purple motif complete, but didn’t think about it at the time and ended up using the standard black. I wore basically the same outfit as on April fools day, black suit, black shirt, and of course the new purple tie. Unlike April fools day I actually felt good and pretty comfortable about myself.

Upon arriving at the party I realised I was the only boy there in a suit but I really didn’t care, I felt good, I looked good and I was on top of the world. Free drinks and snacky finger food made the mood just so much better. I talked to many people that I only know in passing, and people I know only because I keep scabbing things like knives and gaffa off them whilst doing a job. I also talked to “upper management” and a few of their wives, which is unusual for me cause normally I steer well clear of the boss’s there and just hope to fly a little under the radar.

Talking to some people and one person in particular that I thought should have known better, the common theme to the conversation was, “why be transexual, why not just find a nice boyfriend instead?”

Why not find a nice boyfriend instead? Well that would be because I am sexually attracted to girls. I am transexual, not homosexual. The distinction between homosexual and transexual seemed to have never been made in their minds, and they seemed genuinely shocked when I told them that there is NO correlation between gender identity and sexuality. It is like seeing a boy that is well dressed and making the assumption that he is gay or seeing a girl in overalls without makeup and assuming she is a lesbian.

What really got to me was that it was almost universal, I wear skirts there for I must be gay. Why is that assumption being made? Basically I came to the conclusion that it must be the word “transexual” itself leading to the confusion. Heterosexual, homosexual are both sexualities, so it is reasonable to assume that transexual is also.

Perhaps I should start using the word transgendered, not only would it cause less confusion over my sexuality (because of the reference to gender rather than sexuality), it is also sufficiently ambiguous because it is heard an awful lot less in the mainstream community.

But would I be true to myself if I did?

Due to the success of Friday nights outfit, and total laziness on my behalf, not to mention a distinct lack of any real “going out” boy clothes, I went to Sin in the same outfit. This time I wore a lot more eye makeup, less worried about it being subtle in an environment that I felt very much more comfortable in. Sin itself was once again uneventful but enjoyable.

Whilst there I met a girl that was upfront and honest about a lot of things, and when she noticed that most people there were calling me Cathii, she asked why. The answer is simple these days (or at least it was til Friday nights episodes) “Oh, I am transexual and normally I am here in girl mode.”

She took it totally in her stride and asked a few intelligent questions about transexuality. She also made no assumptions about my sexuality at all. All up the short conversation followed by the dancing etc, was a wonderful experience for me. For the first time since my girlfriend and I split up about a year ago, I actually felt an attraction to some one based on something more than just looks, although I admit I was attracted to her physically too. I doubt it will go anywhere from here, but she made me feel more alive in 5 minutes of conversation than most people could ever. AND most importantly she wasn’t afraid of my transexuality.

I have always known that I am doing the right thing, but moments like that just reinforce my belief that to be happy I simply need to be honest, both to others and to myself.

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Ads....

2006-04-21T11:58:00.000+08:00

Just reading a few blogs today and came upon a link to this Campari ad in Katya's blog. So good I had to steal it and put it here. Enjoy!

Easter

2006-04-19T16:10:00.000+08:00

Easter was odd. Had lunch with the family on the Sunday. It was the first time that I had spoken with my brother since I told him the news. He was trying really hard to be normal. Trying, not just being normal. I guess I should be thankful he is trying, I should be happy that he is trying. Why do I have the feeling this is going to go south really soon?

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Proud to be who I am…

2006-04-11T13:19:00.000+08:00

I had a bit of a scary moment on the weekend, but out of it came a good and wonderful realisation.

As per normal myself my daughter and a few other friends went to Sin on Saturday night. For the most part it was uneventful, but a thoroughly enjoyable evening. As the club closed at about 3.30am I went and sat on the front steps waiting for Beth et al to come out of the club. I got a phone call from Beth saying that they were in the carpark waiting at the car. As I wandered along the street I heard a bit of a ruckus coming from the carpark, but I gave it no heed.

As I neared the carpark Beth emerged with a strange look on her face, she rushed up to me grabbed me and then told me not to go into the carpark. Just as she did so, one of her male friends came running around the corner followed closely by another guy I didn’t know. It became apparent that Beth’s friend was being chased and as it dawned on me what the noise in the carpark had been, the attacker pushed Beth’s friend over. He then proceeded to kick him in the head. Instincts took over at that point and I moved in between the attacker and Beth’s friend and told him how cowardly I thought kicking someone on the ground was.

The attacker responded with, “Get the F*&^ out the way bitch…….” And then as he processed the difference between mode of dress and the voice, the look on his face changed, “What the F*&^ are you?”

Dressed in a midcalf length skirt, black satin corset, black Victorian lace top and heels, my sudden male threatening tone obviously belied what I presented visually to the world.

Without even thinking I responded, “I am transexual, what the f*&^ are you?”

At that point I realised that I was probably going to become his next victim, and prepared to stand my ground no matter what. It was a bit of a blur as to exactly what happened next I felt Beth stand between us and grab me by the arm, and I heard the other two assailants call to him from the carpark. He disappeared.

The fight didn’t end there, it was a bit confusing as different people emerged from the carpark, (3 different people in total) screaming and shouting at Beth’s friend and one attempting to punch him a few times. It was a totally odd situation, but throughout Beth held onto my arms with a death like grip imploring me not to get involved. I stood and I watched it all progress til finally a faint siren was heard in the background and the three attackers ran away through the carpark and out into the street at the far side.

After finally getting home and having a moment to digest what had just occurred I realised three things:

1) Beth has one hell of a grip
2) I was extremely lucky not to end up hurt
3) Most importantly to me, I realised that even in my moment of fear/anger/adrenalin I was not ashamed of who I am, I was proud to say I was transexual, and even wore it as a badge of honour despite the possible consequences. For my whole life I have been ashamed and afraid, but on Saturday night I was neither.

I am proud to be who I am.

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Last Goodbye

2006-04-08T14:16:00.000+08:00

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it’s over
Just hear this and then I’ll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you’ll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can’t we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it’s just because I didn’t know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry ’cause I know that in time
I’ll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say ’no, this can’t happen to me,’
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn’t know him at all
You didn’t know him at all, oh, you didn’t know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it’s over... it’s over
Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley

April Fools at Sin

2006-04-04T13:22:00.000+08:00

April Fools day at Sin

Saturday April 1st was an interesting night. As an april fools day "prank" I decided to go out dressed like a boy. Yep a suit and tie. Although I still did full makeup and I did dye my hair violet for the occassion. Surprisingly I felt amazingly uncomfortable dressed like a boy out on the town and according to my daughter who regularly goes out to clubs etc with me, I was embarrassing. This from a girl that goes out with her Dad when he is dressed as a girl. All I can say is that I was incredibly nervous and obviously over compensated by acting like an idiot. :( I did have fun though.

Highlights of the night:

Belinda sang for me. She really does have an incredible voice and I was honored that she sang for me. She sang a few songs outside for me before moving inside to sing for the other people at the gathering before leaving for Sin.

Mikey DJ'd in a panda suit... very cool!

Getting back to Beth's house at 4ish in the morning to find all the DJ's from Sin there and good music being played. Not to mention Mikey cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Great pasta Mr Panda DJ... :)

All up a great night even if I was a) nervous about being out boy, and b) a bit of a prat. :)

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Three Months Today..

2006-04-03T12:50:00.000+08:00

Today marks 3 months since starting hormones. So what’s changed in my life? Physically not a great deal, true there has been some development on the chest and a bit of a reduction in hair growth on the body, but I still pass as boy and don’t pass as girl. (Will that ever change?)

Mentally there has been a massive shift. I feel more alive than I have since I was a teenager. But there are up and down sides to that. Feeling wonderful has to be balanced by feeling crap every now and then. This is something I think I am prepared to put up with though. It has to be better than the monotone life I used to lead.

Now that my family all know, I can stop worrying about things showing and I am actually willing the change to happen faster… I find myself more impatient than ever, preying for things to happen, waiting for the ‘miraculous’ change. If I concentrate really hard do you think it will happen any faster?

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Ashamed

2006-03-30T10:52:00.000+08:00

Last night I did something that has been playing on my mind for a long time now. I arranged to meet my brother and told him that I am transsexual, and that I intend on having SRS within the next 2 to 3 years.

For those who don’t already know, I expected large problems with my brother, in fact I had even prepared myself for being hit, HARD. No one else in my family expected anything less than a tough ride with him, although they did all tell me he wouldn’t hit me. They obviously are blissfully unaware of the times that he has! (ok so mostly during childhood, but also in a few fights as adults).

For the entire day I had rehearsed in my head what I wanted to say, groaning and moaning all the time about how lame everything sounded. I had a bunch of key points I wanted to raise with him before dropping the bombshell, and had practiced speaking around those points in various different ways. You have to look someone in the face and judge their reaction to things and tailor the speech to their interests and needs, and this is what I did when we finally got around to talking about “stuff”.

To cut a long story short I was glad to have my eldest sister there, who had only found out herself on the weekend. In parts of the story that I just couldn’t look my brother in the eye, it was good to have someone friendly to look at. Especially at the points where I admitted that the shrink had diagnosed me (like I didn’t already know) as having GID and GD.

I told him pretty much everything without delivering the final blow, and then without him having said a word in the 5 minutes of me speaking, I braced myself for any eventuality, and dropped it on him: “I have been taking hormones since January and intend to have sex reassignment surgery within 2-3 years.”

Silence

Nothing

The 20 seconds of silence and nothing seemed to last an entire lifetime. And at last he spoke. “What ever you have to do, even if I don’t understand it, AND I DON’T understand it, what ever you have to do, I will support you.”

At that moment I realised how much I have always loved my brother, and how ashamed I was that I had doubted him.

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Pressure

2006-03-27T10:20:00.000+08:00

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Work at the moment is a little like sitting in a dentists chair. You know the pain is coming, but you just can’t get up and leave. The website I have been working on, which is now 2 months overdue, is all but complete. The issue is that it works perfectly on the test server, but is chock full of errors on the live server. It is basically screwing with my head and I am cracking under the pressure of having it totally live asap.

On top of this I have also told my eldest sister about my trans’ness and have resolved to tell my brother this week. My sister was totally cool with it, even sending me a text later in the evening telling me that it was my choice and as long as I was happy… Her response couldn’t have been any better, all except for one thing, her comments on telling my brother.

Basically my brother is exceptionally conservative. He has extremely negative opinions about the fact that both of my sisters and myself have gay friends. He has some extremely negative opinions about alternative cultures. Basically he has his opinion and most things won’t sway him from it. I am not surprised though, the only job he has ever had is as a policeman and he is now pretty high up on the food chain in the police force. He has dealt with the scum of society for most of his life, and seen some things I would never want to see. He has to believe the world is ‘one way and one way only’ otherwise I guess it would all mess with his head. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me.

To say I am nervous is an understatement. I didn’t sleep last night, I feel like crap and now have a boss that is demanding results asap. The pressure is getting to me. For the first time in a long time I feel fragile and on the point of breaking.

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The Weekend.

2006-03-21T10:21:00.000+08:00

Friday during the day I had to work (oh why can’t I just win lotto) but received a call from my daughter who was supposed to be using my credit card to get a piercing done. Unfortunately they would not accept my card from her (that actually gives me some faith in the system). So I drove through peak hour traffic to Perth (mumble mumble) struggled to find parking on St Patricks day (how many drunk people can fit into Perth??) and finally walked what seemed to be the entire length of the city before being given the honour and privilege of parting with my hard earned money.

As we walked back through Perth we did some window shopping and saw some fantastic stuff that neither of us could possibly hope to afford, and stopped in at a shoe store where my credit card once again got a bit of a beating when I purchased a new pair of heeled mary janes. What is it with my obsession for mary janes?

By the time we got home we discovered we were hopelessly late and raced to get ready for a gig. We went to Heat, a nightclub on the fringes of Northbridge, to see several bands. Personally I went to see one of the support acts, Intrasonic, and they did not let me down. They were fantastic. The headliners for the evening was a band called Somovaw, and whilst they were good, it certainly isn’t my style of music.

The club itself was very mainstream despite having alternative bands playing there. I was disappointed that the alternative crowd didn’t outnumber the norms, and as a consequence I felt a little out of place in my corset, new mary janes et al (woohoo new mary janes!!). The norms treat me a little like a circus side show which was a little disconcerting at first (I haven’t experienced that in quite some time) but after my natural propensity to talk to anything that moves kicked in I started to mingle a bit more freely with very few, “Shit it’s a guy” comments. Just as I was receiving one of these comments, the singer of one of the support acts, a stunning young lady with a voice close to that of an angel, came up to me and rather loudly said “Cathii How are you?”. Rebecca your timing was perfect, I have to love you for that!

Saturday morning 9am – 3 hours of sleep later….. work…. Argh.

Cut to Saturday night – For the first time in what seems like ages I didn’t have to drive. Oh for the sake of my poor head I think I should permanently drive. Sin was supposedly quite good on Saturday, not that I would know, infact I don’t remember much that night, just small snippets. Beth assures me that I was being loud and obnoxious but that people seemed to take it in their stride. Oh I got to wear my mary janes again and I didn’t even break the heel off in my drunken state….. LOL

Sunday morning 10am – 2 hours of sleep and massive thumping horrible hangover later…… work….. Argh….

All day hangovers are not fun…..

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Coming out at work, sort of......

2006-03-16T13:54:00.000+08:00

As I have already mentioned numerous times I still work boy. I can’t expect this to go on much longer nor do I want it to. I tried to introduce the idea that I was a little different by telling the guys at work last week that I was going to Club West and what I would be wearing. The all made the noises I would have expected, a little bit of laughter and a bit of questioning my sexuality. I got the distinct impression that the storeman didn’t believe me at all.

So this Monday I sent a photo of my daughter Beth and myself at Club West (the same one I have already posted here on my blog) to the storeman. As was predicted by me, he showed everyone including some of the customers and past employees that I had worked with.

What I didn’t predict was the way they interpreted it. Apparently rather than going to a big function dressed up, they now have it in their minds that it was some kind of costume party, and that I was just being a little extreme in my choice of clothing.

I think I took the wrong tack, but short of just coming out and saying, “You idiots… I am TRANSEXUAL” I can’t work out a way to break them into the idea gently.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I need a new job.

More on Politics

2006-03-16T13:22:00.000+08:00

The fight continues in the Tasmanian election.

Libs risk backlash over gay claims

This certainly isn't the first time Martine Delaney has been in the news. In June 2005 she became the first transgendered player to play for a womens soccer team in Tasmania.

Sex change decision sets precedent

I think that I might have little in common with her in the political sense but on the issues of LGBT rights in this country I can only applaud her stand. If you want to find out more about the positions of the major politcial parties in the Tasmanian state election then go to Moving Forward.

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The Debutantes Ball

2006-03-15T09:36:00.000+08:00

Club West once again put on a great show with the Debutantes Ball last Saturday night. I went with the usual suspects (Hi Jasmine Sarah Hazel Collette & Adelaide) but also this time my daughter Beth and some other friends also came.

I am sitting at work at the moment and the boss is floating around so I only have time to do a small post. So I guess I want to share with you a picture of myself and my daughter above all else.

There are more pictures on Flickr if you are interested. And more pics will follow soon when I can get the time to u/l them.

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Politics and Trannies.... do they mix?

2006-03-15T08:57:00.000+08:00

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Transgender action to be launched

Having actually been a paid up member of the Liberal Party (In Australia the Liberal Party is actually the local conservative party, yes I know, hang my head in shame) I don't find it difficult at all to believe that their campaign is based on hatred rather than facts. I used to even work, briefly, for the President of the Young Liberals WA, and frequently had to bite my tongue when he spouted the ~~misinformed party blurb~~ absolute crap about TG's and homosexuals.

Funny story about this man though, once when doing a demonstration at the Royal Show for satellite receiving equipment, a young trannie came into the stall. I instantly read her with those small tell tale things that trannies can spot from a mile away (and frequently obsess about, or at least I do), but my poor boss had no idea. I swear he was about to make a pass at her when the other salesman dragged him away to another customer, leaving me to answer all her questions.

I was totally closeted at the time and all I could do was admire her for what I thought was courage to be out and about (I now know that it isn't courage, it is just a recognition of self)

Afterward, we discussed the days efforts over a beer and he brought up the trannie (not realising she was a trannie) and how he thought that that was how all women should be, sexy and not afraid to show a bit of leg. I nearly died from inhaling my beer whilst trying not to laugh.

So I seem to have strayed from the point of the post, having been a politically interested person, and having a background in public relations along with an ability to sell almost anything and given my current status of being 16/7 (like 24/7 but minus the 8 hours of work) perhaps there is room for a trannie pollie in WA? It certainly looks like there will be one in Italy.

Gay rights enter Italian election

Two things have me concerned though, what party does a conservative trannie join? And how do I honestly portray my beliefs and convictions to people like my ex boss without being howled down as "just another faggot"?

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God save the Queen........ cause she is pretty vacant

2006-03-08T12:58:00.000+08:00

Oh no say it isn't true...

Pistols Sell Out!

The last thing I can imagine is a Range Rover ad set to the tune of God Save the Queen. Or worse still, wanting to get on an airline that advertises with "I am an antichrist. I am an anarchist. Don't know what I want. But I know how to get it. I wanna destroy the passerby" Still depends on the airline, could be a big draw card for those that want to attract the radical religious element.........

Hmmmm

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Know when to walk away and know when to run

2006-03-08T11:04:00.000+08:00

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

Now ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
’cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.
Kenny Rogers: The Gambler

Why may you ask am I quoting Kenny Rogers? It just seems apt right now. I am having a few online debates / arguments with some ultra right wing Christians right now. It started off as an exercise in sharpening my claws, a way to waste a few precious hours in the evening, but it seems to have evolved into much more. I am becoming a crusader. I am not sure I like that.

I am trying to convert the unconvertible, maybe I should just learn “when to fold ‘em”. Maybe I haven’t worked out the “secret to survivin’” and the cards that I am playing is the wrong hand. Either way, it doesn’t seem to be doing me much good at the moment. It has become another obsession, just like chatting on the net used to be, just like a lot of things in my past. If I bury my head in something I don’t have to think about reality.

Right now my reality isn’t too good. I am still in a complete state of flux, everything is moving, and I am not in control of a lot of it. Something seems out of whack.

I am contemplating quitting one of my jobs, even though without it I will not be able to pay bills, mortgage etc. I am trying to find a new job but I cannot focus on that when I work sometimes 60-70 hours in the week (currently not that much hence the current financial issues). I figure paying up the mortgage and bills for the next month, and then quitting, will give me all the more incentive to find a job that is right for me. Even if that job is only temporary.

Another thing I have been having issues with, every time I try to write something it kinda doesn’t end up saying exactly what I wanted it too. Take for example what I have written above, my intent was to try to justify taking an extended holiday from work whilst ignoring small things like bills etc. What it ended up saying is that I am mainstream enough to know the lyrics to a Kenny Rogers song…..

On that point, whilst out at Sin on Saturday night there was a photographer taking pictures of all and sundry, guess who didn’t get her picture taken…. Not happy about that, in an alterative club I may not stand out that much but I was standing with 2 extremely hot trannies and they didn’t get their pictures taken either. What gives?

Also at Sin, I had to revert to boyish nature for a period of around 1 minute and break up a fight. Well fight isn’t the right word, lots of testosterone and posturing, which wasn’t an issue. It was the pushing and shoving and the knocking down of people, most notably my daughter Beth, that made me react. So without thinking I grabbed one of the protagonists and swung him against a wall, as someone else did a similar thing with the other potential pugilist. Having not been in a situation like that for years, I simply reacted on instinct. Instinct obviously does not wear 5” wedges and a tightly laced corset.

I think I should now confess to doing ANOTHER night out as a boy. This time I enjoyed the boyness a whole lot less, but enjoyed the company a great deal. After a wonderful BBQ on Friday evening we headed to the Veranda Bar out the back of the concert hall. A band from Guinea were playing an amazing blend of tribal music, reggae and soul. It al sounded pretty amazing and after midnight people I was there with started to disappear.

I however, encourage by a wonderful young woman who is an acquaintance of mine, headed to the Court were I started to become enormously jealous of a trannie there. She had the perfect little body, the wonderful legs, sweet face etc etc… all the things that I don’t possess. Kate (no not that Kate) however was busy talking business with some guys. I danced just briefly cause the music they play there is really quite naff. After closing we headed down the road to Connies, another gay venue right in the heart of Northbridge.

At Connies I danced almost non-stop, except for smoke and drinks breaks, oh and a chance to speak to that wonderful trannie from the Court. You know I lack so much confidence when dressed as a boy (why do clothes make so much difference) that I could barely say two words to her. Now she probably thinks I am a total doofus. At least I wasn’t in girl mode and she might not recognise me when I am. Next weekend I might go to Connies just to meet up with her and actually talk to her for real.

Kate and I got a taxi at whatever time it was in the early morning (the sky was getting light so it must have been close to 4:30 I think) back to her place where she gave me a bad to sleep in and more wine to consume…. Thank you Kate for a wonderful evening, including the breakfast of bacon and eggs.

Argh... and Yay

2006-03-02T12:52:00.000+08:00

Argh...

Transgender woman arrested for using loo

Yay...

Sex change teacher gets job back

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Five Variable Love Profile

2006-02-28T11:29:00.000+08:00

I don't normally do these things and I when I do I rarely post them. Due to the complete lack of anything substantial to blog about and the guilt about not having posted for a few days is driving me insane, then I feel compelled to put this up. So here it is:

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

I miss my Dad.

2006-02-23T10:50:00.000+08:00

Today I got a message from a friend high on the revelation that a ‘parsec’ was a real thing, a REAL measurement of distance, and not just something that George Lucas dreamt up for Star Wars.

myfriend(obviously not their real screen name!): The day is good. I found out there really is a space measurement called a "Parsec" like in Staw Wars. Its 3.6 light years. how cool
myfriend: sorry, geek Myfriend got out

cathii_scott: Hello geek Myfriend...... You have just found this out? omg girl where have you been since 1977?????? Oh OK, so it helps that my father was in the RAF and worked on the British nuclear and space programs... I get that... In 1977 my father was more excited about taking me to see Star Wars than I was, I thought the train ride into Melbourne was pretty special. After the movie he bought us milk shakes and explained every nuance of the film, I used to hate him for doing that. Right now I just wish he was still here.

cathii_scott: sorry........

I couldn’t believe what I had just written… It moved from “hey I must be clevererer than you nya-nya” to “I want my Dad back” in just 6 badly formed and almost unrelated sentences. I spent the next 25 minutes locked in the toilets crying like a girl, which is not to good when you still work as a boy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad I miss you more than you would believe. Although I know that you would never have approved of the direction my life is travelling I know you would have supported me no matter what. No matter what I did, you were always there for me, and not having you there anymore hurts more than I am willing to admit. After 3 years you would think that I would have gotten used to it. I am not. I miss you Dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I will delete this post later, but for now I just needed to let him know.

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Bwahahaha

2006-02-21T11:40:00.000+08:00

This is just wonderful.... I love it. Plenty more from Venus Envy. Cartons for the discerning trannie.... :)

Are transvestites disabled???

2006-02-20T13:40:00.000+08:00

Are transvestites disabled? A Melbourne hotelier may believe so.

Hotel won't rue its loo policy

He said the person dressed as a woman, Kerry, had visited a few times and had been asked to use the disabled toilets....

"We haven't banned this gentleman, just asked him to use the disabled toilets," Mr Booth said.

I wonder how a disabled person might feel about not being able to use the facilities specifically designed for their needs, because there is a back log of trannies that could have otherwise used the Ladies???

I have asked both a policeman and a local JP about this very issue and both have told me that there is no law that they know of in Australia that prevents a person of any sex, nor any gender from using toilets in a public place no matter how they are marked.

If only I lived in Melbourne I would gather up a posse of trannies and descend upon the Newmarket Tavern and use their facilities...... Anyone in Melbourne want to take up the call???

.

Lines.... Or, how not to pick me up.

2006-02-18T09:22:00.000+08:00

I was standing out in the quiet area of Sin a few weeks ago chatting to friends when a guy comes up to me and starts talking to me. Me being me, I chatted back. I quickly discovered that he had all the personality of a road accident and about the same looks (yes very judgemental of me). About 15 minutes into the conversation he asked me;

"Do you want to have some fun?"

Now forgive me but I am a little naive in the ways of men (not) so I asked him what "fun" entailed........

Well suffice to say I did turn him down, I mean he hadn't even bought me a drink. I just couldn't beleive that that is how this guy expected to pick up!

I would never contemplate asking a girl to "have some fun" except for maybe if I was joking around AND even then it would have to be someone I knew well enough for them to know I was joking.

Seems I am naive. Every girl I have asked so far has said that this is about standard.... I am quickly coming to the conclusion that men are bastards....

On a point not even remotely connected to this, I have for the first time been assaulted at a pub. Well I say assaulted, actually I had a Tic Tac packet thrown at me, hardly the same thing really.

It wasn't that I had it thrown at me that has me narked, it is the fact that I was at the pub in decidely BOY mode. I have prepared myself for these things when I am dressed, but for only the second night in god knows how long I went to a pub in jeans and tshirt and THAT happens.....

Ok I do confess that I was walking outside to have a smoke with a couple of girls I know and that I couldn't see Beth anywhere. So I simply picked up Beth's handbag and followed the other two outside. So I was carrying my daughters handbag, in boy mode, and probably looking TOO comfortable doing it. It is starting to make sense now...

One complaint. Why was the packet empty, at least throw a full pack so I have something to snack on later!

.

Headlines????

2006-02-17T10:55:00.000+08:00

Ok so I am not going to comment TOO much about this but I think sub-editors need to start rethinking the way they headline articles.

Transvestite bashed by unsuspecting man

Hmmm Unsuspecting man? I think the tranny might have been a little unsuspecting to.

The Australian has a better account of what actually happened.

Bail over transvestite assault case

Now the man's lawyer gets the prize for quote of today (or at least the last 5 minutes) with this:

"I doubt that there would be a person in the community that engaging in an intimate relationship with a person and then discovering their gender was not what they thought - would not have a reaction," she said.

A reaction? Yes "A" reaction, not necessarily fracturing eye sockets, slashing the chest and arms and hospitalizing someone. I mean that's one hell of a reaction.

And then he claims self defence. What... was her penis beating him unmercifully?

Ok, tranny lesson number 1:
Make sure that if you are going to go home with a guy, that he knows what he is in for.

.

A reply.....

2006-02-14T10:49:00.000+08:00

On the 2nd of Feb I read a blog entry Weirdly I take the flip side of the coin and commented upon it in my typical blunt fashion. Obviously I got under his skin with my reply which prompted his retort Re: Cathii's Comments.

Since I have been on a self imposed exile from the net this is the first chance I have had to reply, but since the reply will be lengthy I have decided to post it here on my blog and simply give him a link to here.

Firstly Dan (I presume that is your name) let me start by saying that I read your post thoroughly and contemplated several different replies. I settled on calling you a bigot in the end because that is what you are. I doubt I will ever change your opinions nor will I make you see that factually you are wrong on so many scores in your original post. I am writing this reply for myself and myself only. So if you will indulge me for 10 minutes then we can put this thing to rest.

So, in like three rants in the past I have defended gay statments and stances.

Today I just HAVE to flame it.. I guess nothing is safe from me, even my self?

And in your retort:

Becuase I specificially stated in my rant that: "I hold NO disagreement to the act of anyone being gay, lesbian, or transvestite"

I congratulate you on defending gay statements, but the main thrust of your post was transgendered people and “society’s” reaction to them. Being transgendered is NOT a sexuality and has nothing to do with which prospective partner you wish to take home at the end of the night. Like being gay, being transgendered is not a choice, it is for the best part a predetermined part of your existence just the same as hair colour, eye colour, height etc but that is basically where the similarities end. I know a lot of TG people and let me assure you they are just as likely to be married with 2 kids as they are to be gay, lesbian or bisexual.

I will grant you that the T* lobbies have attached themselves to the gay movements for the sake of getting their voice heard, this has had some consequences such as people like yourself confusing sexuality with T’ism.

seriously tho, call me old fashoned, thats just fine, but if your a transvestie your still MALE.. Unless you get the 100% surgury.. and even then, if I was to tear out your DNA and chk your Chromosoms they would say your MALE....

I think what you need at this point is a bit of education on exactly what a transvestite is and what the correct terminology should be. Please feel free to read the follow definitions from wikipedia:

Transvestite:

A person who likes to wear clothes and act in a style traditionally displayed by the opposite gender. This is done on an occasional basis; transvestites do not generally dress in the opposite gender all the time. The term "transvestite" should not be confused with the term "transsexual", which refers to someone who lives permanently in the opposite gender to that which they were born in. Transvestites do not wish to change their gender, but simply enjoy playing the role of the other gender from time to time.

Transsexual or Transexual:

A person who identifies as a gender different from that which they were assigned at birth, as well as maintains the need for a physical sex at variance with their biological one. Transsexuals often correct their anatomy to better conform to their gender identity, mainly through hormonal and surgical techniques.
One who has undergone cross-sex hormonal therapy and/or Sex Reassignment Surgery.

So if you are talking about transvestites then obviously they will not have “100% surgery” or as it is more rightly known SRS. Also you have to be aware that for intersexed people their genetic makeup is not exclusively male or female, and the assumption that because you are transgendered means that you are exclusively male is totally incorrect. I know personally 3 TS’s that are F2M (female to male) and I am sure that outside of my little social circle that the numbers of F2M’s are probably fairly even with M2F transsexuals.

But is the DNA and sexual organs the only thing that defines people as male or female. Certainly many people believe so, but you are forgetting the biggest sexual organ of the entire human body; The Brain. What happens inside the heads of transgendered individual such as myself is more important than having a penis between your legs.

If you want something more physical than just what goes on inside my head then perhaps my blood tests from the very beginning of my transition might convince you. Without any drugs of any description my natural levels of testosterone were on the low side of the scale for a male, and the levels of oestrogen were extremely high. These are not things that I imagined, but they are proof that I am not imagining who I am. I have been told that this is not unusual in T* people.

But lets get to the main thrust of the point of contention. Are you a bigot?

If your a man and you wear a dress, your going to get teased, it should be (and this is fast becoming my favorate line) KINDIGARDEN LOGIC.

So basically its alright to tease people based on the clothes they chose to wear? Hell I wouldn’t mind giving crap to a few of the boys that live on my block for the stupid clothes they wear, with their underwear protruding from jeans that start somewhere around their knees. Why don’t I? Because to do so would go against the very values that I have been taught and respect. Basically a person should be able to dress how they feel without the ridicule of others. This includes underwear hanging out of your jeans.

But what you are telling me is that it is ok to ridicule these boys simply because “society” tells me that underwear is for going UNDER your jeans. Essentially you are giving me permission to be “obstinately or intolerantly devoted to my own opinions and prejudices”. Usually one would determine from this that the person who gives permission also believes the advice they are giving out.

What I said, was SOCIETY does not consider Transvestie "Normal".

Who is society? Is society not the conglomerate of all people within a geographic location? If this is so, how can you speak for them? How can you speak for the total population with one sweeping statement? I think what you mean to say is that your view of society is that they do not find transvestites normal. This being so, why are you hiding behind the rest of the population? Why not state your view forthrightly?

Obviously the original statement by GLAAD (and yes it is GLAAD not as you contend GLADD) got up YOUR nose. Why? Why was it so important to you to challenge what was said? Is it because the “society” to which you are referring to is actually just you? I believe it is because whenever I hear the words “society says…” I instantly know that the opinions that are put forth are not those of other people, they are in fact the opinions of the orator.

Christ people, you do stupid shit, you get teased.

but if you don't want backlash DONT DO SOMETHING STUPID.

Im really getting sick of people crying and bitching tha they get teased or "flamed" when they do something that any 2 year old would instantly know will initiate backlash

You defend my right to wear the clothing of my choice yet you state, without hiding behind society and in your own words with your own opinions, that it is “stupid shit” and that I shouldn’t “do something stupid”. Then you tell me that I shouldn’t do something just because I don’t conform to your personal ideal of what the world should be.

Bah

I stand by my original statement:

Blah you are just so wrong on so many points here it would take too long to point it all out to you. Suffice to say the word bigot forms pretty quickly in my mind.

Oh and don't take any offence cause if you "don't want backlash DONT DO SOMETHING STUPID" Kindigarden (sic) Logic.... QED.

Cathii
30 something transexual from Perth Western Australia.

Monday morning struggles....

2006-02-13T08:45:00.000+08:00

Monday morning is a bit of a struggle at the best of times, but this morning seems to be extra difficult. No idea why, could be that I slept the whole of Sunday afternoon/evening and thereby missing one day of my weekend. Might have been that I had to work at my other job for the first time in about a month, on Sunday morning, without any sleep the night before and hopelessly hungover.

It might have been the fact that in my tired and drunken state I had managed to wipe only half the makeup off from the previous nights frivolities and had everyone at work on Sunday asking if I was wearing makeup and why. I didn't lie to them, told them the truth. I went to a pimps and prostitutes party dressed as a hooker with lovely emerald green eyeshadow extending half way to my ears the brightest red lipstick I could find, and a mash of colour mismatched clothing highlighted by the horrific pink mini skirt that was so short I had to shave before leaving the house, and I DON'T mean my legs. Trashy, I looked trashy.

Then after the party we all went to the Amplifier, and I think I scared the predominantly straight crowd just a bit (at least I felt people staring at me a lot more than when I go there just dressed in black).

So back to the work bit. It is nice to be getting some work again with my second job. Thank god the conference season is slowly winding up again. This may alleviate some of my current money issues, and I may be able to once again pay the mortgage! :)

I have decided to continue blogging despite the self imposed "intarweb thingy" ban. It isn't that I particularly have anything interesting to say, more just as somewhere to let out what's in my head. There again I write this for my benefit, nobody else's. So who cares if it is interesting... right?

.

Its been a week.

2006-02-10T16:04:00.000+08:00

It has been a week and let me assure you it has been refreshing not doing the net thing. Well ok I lie I have been reading some blogs ocassionally and even left a comment. But essentially I have managed to only check my emails, stay off the net whilst at home and kept most of my net activity at work strictly related to work. This being the obvious exception.

So what have I done with my week? I think I have spent only one night in the last week at home due to visiting friends, going to pubs and clubs, and surprisingly I have spent quite a bit of time in boy mode. I even went out on Wednesday night to a pub in jeans, tshirt and MEN's dress shoes, no skirts, no nail polish, no wig, no makeup (well maybe just a small amount of eyeliner) and certainly no corset or heels. It was a little odd for most the people there who had to make the adjustment to my male persona and indeed some people didn't recognise me at all.

Mostly though I have avoided most forms of mass media and now I have no idea what is happening in the rest of the world. I mean there could have been a plague that wiped out the whole of Europe and the British Isles and I wouldn't know. Life of ignorance is bliss.

Just before I go, had some blood tests done the other day and I got a phone call from the path lab to confirm that my sex was as marked on the form M for male. Seems the estrodial(sp) level was way off the male scale. Ummmm I should hope it is :)

Taking a break

2006-02-02T10:09:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I had what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity". I spend my working life staring at a computer screen, typing on a keyboard, and when I get home I fire up the desktop and the laptop and do exactly the same thing.

Recently my world hasn't been the wonderful thing I want it to be. I am struggling at work to complete even the most basic of tasks. I am struggling at home to keep on top of small mundane things like washing, vacuuming, walking the dog.

Spending so much time online has led to my life changing, and not neccessarily for the better. I now see less real live people than I do text representations of them on the screen. My typing speed has doubled, but my social skills have all but disappeared.

I have been feeling the weight of being lonely whilst talking to people I genuinely love because they are not there in the same room. The fact that they are only a few small suburbs away from me doesn't change things, they might as well be on Mars.

I have also lost touch with my past, my friends and family. I am beginning to see that my ex girlfriend was right when she pronounced Scott and Cathii as two completely seperate people, I am, I don't want to be. Don't get me wrong there is much that I despise about Scott and would be glad to see the back of, but there is still my whole life contained within that male persona. That is not something I want to lose.

To this end, I am taking a holiday from all that is the "intarweb thingy". I am going to catch up with some friends I haven't seen for years, friends that I have known for years, and make ammends with friends that I have made recently but desperately need to give a humble apology to. I am going to refuse to do this through the net. If I can't stand there and look my friends in the eyes, then right now there is no point.

I will not however say goodbye here, cause I know that I will return, I will in the great tradition of Bill & Ted's say:

Be excellent to each other and party on Dudes!!!

.

Transexuals to be issued with 2 ID cards in the UK.

2006-02-01T13:18:00.000+08:00

Interesting article I kinda stumbled upon on the BBC news web site:

Transsexuals 'to get 2 ID cards'

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Angels may Spit, but there are Tears at the Temple

2006-01-31T16:51:00.000+08:00

Beth and I headed out late Saturday morning to go op shopping. I was concerned that there was another night at Sin wearing the same thing. Seriously my wardrobe is not big enough to have more than 1 night a month out on the town and not have to recycle outfits. So Beth came with me and as I held up stuff she gave her very frank opinion on it. Apparently my ability to choose clothes ranks as 20 "you must be kidding"s, to 5 "hmmmm maybe"s, as against 1 "yea". So finally after taking the "yea's" to the change room and discarding half of them cause they didn't fit, I finally walked out of there satisfied that I had a least three choices of stuff to wear should I do the usual mid dressing change of clothes.

Beth's friend Katie came with us and was made to witness the madness that is my household when me and Beth decide to get ready to go out. Poor girl. So finally I emerged fully dressed in a mid calf length pinstrip skirt (yes I said mid calf length, this is the second weekend in a row I have been out in something longer than the usual 'tranny' length skirt), my uber cool Gallery Serpentine corset, and a mesh shirt under the corset open all the way under the corset to show off the cleavage that I manage to be able to push around from the combination of my "man boobs" and what little the hormones have done so far.

No pictures yet again. My ability to buy expensive cameras and fail to use them is second to none.

Suffice to say I felt a million dollars. Confident and ready to take on the world. If only I could drive in this damn corset. As soon as I tried to get into the drivers seat the corset sort of folded inward on my stomache making the breathing situation go from hard to impossible. Some how we made it to Sin without me passing out, and proceeded to "do the rounds".

I met a net friend of mine for the first time, and Lee, you were worse than just drunk you were totally pissed!!!! Funny as, but almost incomprehensible. I also talked for a while to a young lady from Italy, and to you, should you read this by some chance, I would love to say thank you. The compliments you so liberally threw at me gave me one heck of an ego boost (some may say I didn't really need it) and made me feel a million dollars. I am really quite bad at taking compliments so if I seemed a little goofy while we were talking, thats because I was.

There were a couple of bands playing at Sin that night, one of which was a band from Sydney called Angel Spit. I have to say whilst I got into their music a bit I was a little disappointed with the over all quality of sound. There was also a local band playing that night called Temple of Tears and they were just amazing. I am looking forward to see Temple of Tears play again soon.

Had a wonderful evening, but it really should be a consideration for the next time I go out to actually arrive home some time before 8am.

Narcissism

2006-01-30T13:55:00.000+08:00

Woohooo, I just googled my name (well not my legal name just yet) and I am Number One.... Top of the Heap...etc etc. Try it....Cathii Scott

So I think to myself, Cathii Scott is maybe a unique name, be fair, try Googling just Cathii. Wow I am 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th and lord knows what else. Hmmm and I thought I was keeping quiet.

So my ego is soaring. Hey look at me I am important in google cause my name ranks significantly in comparison to other people called Cathii.

Then I go to my blog stats and in the referring pages there is an MSN search for; random thoughts of perversion. My ranking? From 46,111 results I rank number..... 1.

Ego Crushed.

Run Run As Fast as You Can.

2006-01-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

Thursday was Australia Day, and like all true Aussies I celebrated by drinking myself stupid. But before myself and Beth (my step-daughter) managed to make horrible messes of ourselves, we went shopping. Beth found Gingerbread kids in the snack isle and the packaging is really cute. Beth's is the gingerbread diver, and she chose the gingerbread girl for me. How sweet! :)

Movies and Stuff.

2006-01-27T20:14:00.000+08:00

Been watching a few movies of late, after 4 years having finally hung the projector, it has been racking up a few hours on the bulb life. Several comments to be made:

A modded XBox, the internet and Bit Torrent is a wonderful combination.... GOOD

All night movie marathons the night before you are supposed to be back at work after a public holiday.... NOT GOOD

Deciding to have a few small G&T's and maybe a Black Russian or two during an all night movie marathon the night before you are due back to work after a public holiday.... REALLY NOT GOOD

Believing that a "few" actually equals several dozen.... REALLY REALLY NOT GOOD

Head hurts, and I think I might need to re watch some of those movies, as I haven't got a clear idea what they were about.

Underworld Evolution: disappointed, very disappointed. But nice boots Kate. Enough said.

Kevin Smith Marathon: (Clerks, they didn't have Chasing Amy, Mallrats, Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike back) Gotta love Kevin Smith, and Jason Mews for that matter...... [Team America tone ON] Matt Damon [Team America Tone OFF] and ofcourse Ben Affleck, A bit into the overload mode though.

The Matrix: What can I say? Larry Wachowski you rock!!!!! :)

Breakfast on Pluto: An amazing film, however Cillian Murphy, please please please never talk like that again. That voice nearly made me want to leap through the screen and throttle you. Otherwise one of the most amazing films I have seen in a long time.

Transamerica: A few small technical flaws in the story were not enough to detract from the fact that this film is amazingly good. Almost as good as "B on P". Filicity deserved the Golden Globe that she won.

I am now tired and hungover STILL. Better just sleep tonight.

Clutching at straws

2006-01-23T14:58:00.000+08:00

You know there is always gonna be something that gets to you.... this weekend I had a bit of a shocker. Not so much in terms of everything going wrong, although somethings did, but in terms of things not going quite to plan.

I had people coming around for the evening and I really needed to do a shop for a few things too. I was in a different part of the town than I usually do my shopping in but hey a Coles is a Coles is a Coles.... right?

Most of you might be aware of these things, but being a simple person from Perth Western Australia I am not used to such things. When I got to the supermarket I promptly went to collect a trolley to do my shopping.....

The thing was the trolleys were all chained together. I had never seen this before, NEVER. I had heard vague rumours but believed that like most stories this fantastic and unreal it would have happened to a friend of a friend of this guy I once knew.

A friendly lady pointed out to me that I needed a dollar coin to release the trolley from its enforced bondage. A quick search of my pockets, the cars ashtray and finally the floor under the seats of the car produced, 25c. All I had was a credit card and 25c. Damn them how am I gonna do a weeks worth of shopping with only a hand basket?

Damn it I had to rationalise what I wanted. I had to prioritise on weight, bulk and usefulness. In short I had to think. AND IT HURT.

In the end I managed to make some poor choices and had nearly 30 kg in one basket which was strainging under the effort of just staying in one piece. Mind you carrying it around with only one hand whilst dragging items off the shelf and simitaneously dodging saturday moring kamikaze shoppers was quite a challenge.

So I ended up getting about 1/5 of what I had intended to buy, but still didn't allow guests to starve, although they did get a little thirsty, but I wasn't lugging 4 x 2 Litre bottles around coles in a hand basket.

The Following day whilst heading down to Blood Bowl to do some mindless slaughtering (yep I play silly games sad isn't it... but it is such a good silly game! ) my foot got covered in hydraulic fluid as I pushed down on the clutch (well that is totally exaggerated but hey you gonna do, call me James Frey?) and hey presto no clutch in a 2 tonne four wheel drive traveling at 110Kph. So after I got there I played and won (thrashed I think is the word) and drove home grinding gears all the way....

Today at lunch time I went and forked out $80 that I couldn't afford on a new clutch master cylinder and fitted it. Now I have that grey hue to my hands again that I thought I had left behind long ago. Bugger. Hate that.

So thats two, whats number three????????

.

The Lana Situation

2006-01-19T16:11:00.000+08:00

Becky recently outed Lana as using fake pictures. My thoughts on this are initially anger at being deceived, frustration that I was taken in and then total confusion as to why anyone would do that sort of thing. But ultimately what do I really feel? I feel nothing really, because ultimately the picture wasn't the person I talked to. Currently I am talking to Lana on MSN, and it is good she hasn't disappeared, she can be fun to talk to. I look forward to seeing the real Lana.

The real Lana is about to stand up....

Make the Matrix the BEST Trannie movie EVER!!!!

2006-01-18T18:19:00.000+08:00

Ok the nominations have closed and Becky is taking votes for the best tranny movie ever from the nomination short list. Here are the rules to voting:

You MUST select the Matrix from the movies avaialable

You MUST select two other films

You may select up to ten films total if you must, BUT the first choice HAS to be the Matrix

Vote now

Why do we want the Matrix to be the best trannie film ever? Well I thought that would be obvious. The Matrix ROCKS..... and I always wanted an outfit like Trinity's (and the body to match). Seriously though, if Larry Wachowski is a crossdresser / transvestite / transexual we want him to know that we in the tranniesphere support him 100% and what better way than to vote his movie masterpiece (yea yea I know his brother helped) to number one spot on The Best Tranny Movie in the World EVER list........

Vote now

Thought this was great

2006-01-17T08:45:00.000+08:00

Read this as part of a list of funny one liners at Well Here Goes. Thought it was cute.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Yes I should be working, shut up.....

Could the Matrix become the next transvestite film icon?

2006-01-16T13:19:00.000+08:00

Recently Becky opened voting on her site for the best trannie films ever. Predictably most people were commenting about films such as Transamerica, Rocky Horror and Prescilla Queen of the Desert. No one mentioned the Matrix. Not one person. Why?

A very recent, and might I say unnecessarily lengthy, article in Rolling Stone entitled The Mystery of Larry Wachowski: Could the co-creator of The Matrix real life truly be stranger than fiction? states that:

...eager submissives, or slaves, and the dominatrixes who, for an hour or for a night, took complete charge of their minds and bodies, using ropes, whips, chains, knives and needles. Wachowski fell into the former category. And, friends say, he liked engaging in his pastime while dressed like a woman.

And with that completely unsubstantiated rumour in mind I urge everyone to go to Becky's poll page for....The Best... Tranny Movie ...in the World ever! ....and vote for The Matrix NOW!!!

JT Leroy..... trans homeless kid?????

2006-01-13T16:08:00.000+08:00

If you don't know who JT Leroy is you should read this article.

If you already know and have been following the rise of the former transgendered street kid, then perhaps you should read this. Now I could just post a link (which I will) but I will also repost in full the article cause even though we are half a world away in Australia it still rings true.

fritzflohr: Here is the statement we put together today. Mitcho is gonna have the GBLT center send it out...

We, the LGBTIHQQ youth of San Francisco who are variously homeless, sex workers, abuse survivors, former foster kids, IV drug users and people living with HIV/AIDS, are appalled by the exploitation of our real world struggles by JT Leroy and company for the purpose of personal profit and celebrity.

We expect an apology, not simply for defrauding the public into giving money to someone who they believed to be young, struggling, and seriously ill, but for repeatedly defaming our community, both in articles and interviews, referring to other street youth as “sharks” and to himself as “a dolphin”.

JT Leroy promoted himself as having been pulled like a diamond from the rough. He claimed to have been discovered and encouraged as a writer by a therapist from social services, and thus rescued from homelessness. In reality this does not happen, no such programs are in place.

In the wake of the JT Leroy scandal the literary establishment has characterized street youth as hopeless and voiceless, but this is far from the truth. Despite our struggles many of us are creative people, students, and writers.

We demand that JT Leroy and anyone who cares to actually make a difference by helping empower real talented young people struggling with real world issues put their money toward real programs, such as a writing program for queer homeless youth, instead of silencing our community, calling it irony, and continuing to regard this imposter’s fraud as art.

Stealing our voices and using our pain for your profit is inexcusable. You thought we had no voice. Here is our voice.

Signed, The San Francisco Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Heterosexual, Queer and Questioning Youth Community.

Mitcho’s Dropin (EVRC/GBLT Center) San Francisco, CA, 1/11/06.

It is Friday the 13th.......

2006-01-13T12:46:00.000+08:00

Oh no it is friday the 13th. All the freaks come out on friday the 13th. I wasn't planning on going out tonight, but seeing as all the other freaks are going to be there, I guess I should be too.

My father always told me that is was bad luck to be supersticious, but on the last friday the 13th I almost ran over the next door neighbours black cat, and it has hated me ever since.... LOL

Have a good night.....

What is going on in QLD? Equality in the courts????

2006-01-13T08:28:00.000+08:00

Just flipping through some news articles, trying desperately to avoid having to do work, I came across the article Judges given handbook to new millennium

The first paragraph states:

QUEENSLAND judges have been given assistance in coping with the 21st century via a handbook on how to handle social issues such as cross-dressing and minority religions.

Two observations:
1) Did judges NEED assistance in dealing with crossdressers?
2)I think it is pretty sad that we have to write information packs to tell our judges what societal norms are, rather than them experiencing life and finding out for themelves.

In a country where the "Rule of Thumb" was accepted as a defence by a judge as little as (takes wild stab in the dark at the date) 7 years ago I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

On the upside, they are now getting that information, such simple things like asking a transgendered or transvestite witness or defendent how they wish to be addressed. Recognising that there is a legitimate reason for the dressing and it isn't just a sexual perversion as I am sure so many of them think. Never having been before a judge I can not say for sure that this was the case (there is a lot of documented evidence to suggest it was though) However in recent dealings with lawyers, and having to declare my status as TS has made me painfully aware that the justice system contains little to no justice for the likes of me.

With any joy this information *may* filter down through to the family courts and I might actually get a fair hearing.

"There is not now and never has been any room for differential judicial treatment based on essentially irrelevant distinctions – as society evolves so does the judicial determination to keep apace."

Yea, and pigs might fly!

Man Breaks Leg Kicking Spider

2006-01-12T14:41:00.000+08:00

I can imagine the phone call to the emergency services:

Operator: Which service do you require?

Moron: Ummmm Ambulance.

Operator: What is the nature of the emergency?

Moron: I broke my leg kicking a spider.

Operator: You broke your leg?

Moron: Yep

Operator: Kicking a spider?

Moron: Yep

Operator: bwahahahahahahhahaha "click"

Read the story in full right here

Make me happy.

2006-01-11T07:23:00.000+08:00

Do people realise that the only way to make me happy is to ignore me 90% of the time and then lavish attention and praise the other 10% of the time. Actually fuck the attention and praise, just give me money.

Transvestite, is the word that you heard

2006-01-09T08:20:00.000+08:00

I guess I should explain the post of late friday night / saturday morning where I bleated on endlessly about being a transvestite. People who know me know this is not the case, and that I am infact transexual.

However I'm backing the campaign to get Transformation off the top spot for Google searches with the Anti-Transformation Google Bomb!

The idea is to "Google Bomb" the Wikipedia entry for transvestite with links labeled simply with the word "transvestite". Google should hopefully see all the links for that word pointing to Wikipedia and count it as a more authoritative source of information. We're not sure how many links it will take, although a conservative estimate is 30.

If you have a blog or a web site, and you support the campaign, please copy and paste the code in the box below into your blog. You'll be doing trannies of the UK and around the world a favour!

If you'd like to use this entire message in your own blog to help promote the Google-Bomb, you can download it here.

Wanna Root?

2006-01-07T00:32:00.000+08:00

Being a transvestite and living alone is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes the young (hmmm not so young) single transvestite requires a bit of, shall we say adult company. The issue is, just exactly does the young (cough) single transvestite meet some one?

Well this transvestite took herself for a short trip to the laptop and made her way to the Loooooooove club as a friend of mine has a want to call it (Hi Kitty)

So I get busy and set up a profile for myself with the sex set to transgendered, cause there is no option for transvestite Now I deliberately didn’t specifically mention the word transvestite in my profile. But maybe I should have.

So after filling in what seemed to be a zillion forms, I make my way to the chat room. Right I think to myself there has to be some guy or girl in here that likes a transvestite especially as one as pretty as me (self delusion works everytime for confidence).

The first question I get is:
So you are a chick with a dick huh?
Um no actually I am a transvestite.
ok so do transvestites like to root?
Yea sometimes transvestites don’t mind the company of others.
Kewl, wanna root?
Ummmm how old are you?

This one bad experience aside, most people just want to know what a transvestite is. The most common question I have had is “what exactly is a transvestite and how do you know you are one?” Whilst the answers to these questions seem pretty simple to you and me, as a transvestite, the general population really has no idea. The closest they have come to a transvestite is watching Aunty Jack, or Emily Howard the cycling transvestite on Little Britain.

Maybethere aren’t enough transvestites ready to put themselves out there to show the world we aren’t all “laaaaaadddiiiieeeeesssss, and want a ladies drink”. Overall though I have found most people to be reasonably accepting of me as a transvestite and those that aren’t generally say nothing at all, which I find quite refreshing caue they aren’t asking me for a root.

BTW I have become substantially more adept at fending off the morons, must just be my transvestite charms.

wanna root?
Umm you know I am a transvestite, right?
yea I know you’re a transvestite, wanna root?”
Do you want one?
yea I do
bit of a shame then cause you will never get a root talking like that to me, cause I’m a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Transformation, the perfect Business Model

2006-01-06T10:10:00.000+08:00

Both Becky and Siobhan have come out swinging against a UK company that runs stores called Transformation. Normally I am a fan of their writing, but in this case I really can’t agree with them. Business is business.

For those that aren’t aware (and I am only because of the negative rants about Transformation that litter forums, blogs et al) Transformation is a group of stores run specifically to provide the emerging transgendered individual with everything that is ?necessary? for the idyllic trannie existence. From their website I gather this to be the case, although other accounts are contrary to this point of view.

Siobhan and Becky I would like to state now that Transformation exists solely because of demand and supply. There is a demand, and people perceive Transformation as the only supplier of these products and services. True they may be crap, true they maybe expensive, true they may not give a damn about their customers, true they may sell snake oil, but this is just the perfect business model. Find a market, corner it, and don’t allow your customers to go anywhere else. Customers only go there cause they know no better.

It is obvious that their customers don’t remain their customers for very long, nearly everyone in the UK I have talked to / read their blog has used Transformation as their first port of call. It is all part of the evolution process. It is up to the individual to make up their minds where they are going to spend their hard earned dollar (or in this case pound). It is up to the individual to educate themselves sufficiently and not to get ripped off.

I know we are talking about a lot of issues that may cloud better judgement when it comes to the closeted CD/TV/TS.

If both of you, Becky and Siobhan, are so incensed about this topic then give the closeted CD an alternative. Give them the information, get that information to them, make all alternatives available.

Maybe you need to get in on this with the committee of the Angels. Perhaps run those ads you talked about pointing the closeted to the Angels website and all the information there in.

A campaign of hate is counter productive in cases such as this. Did the campaign of hate about the destruction of the Amazon Rainforest stop me from eating Big Macs? NO. The crap taste did. Make this a campaign of information, then you will win the war and have your revenge on Transformation.

Future?????

2006-01-04T10:12:00.000+08:00

Been concerned recently about my total lack of qualifications, or at least total lack of qualifications that I want to use. I have also been applying for lots of jobs but thus far no offers, not even an interview. I certainly can't continue working in the jobs I am currently doing. One is all heavy lifting and not at all suitable for a trannie in transition, and the other, although a desk job, is in an atmosphere that certainly would not be conducive to a happy healthy me irrespective of transition or not. So I am casting the net to find what else is out there.

I am not too proud to do a bit of cyberbegging. Please please if you have an opening for a trannie in your place of business preferably in Perth WA think of me.

Must admit over christmas/new year I only did one application so I am gonna have to pull my finger out and send in a lot more in the next week.

But this leads me to a serious question: What jobs are trannie friendly?

Certainly nothing on the phone for me. Well you can just imagine it, gruff male voice on the other end of the phone wanting to sell you whatever at huge prices. People would be in fits when they heard my name and voice together so much so they would miss the once in a life time deal I am offering them.

A government job? Well to tell you the truth I am applying for a lot of these, but the prospect of working the next 30 years in an airconditioned office with no hope of escape might drive me nuts.

So what am I good at?

I can sell ice to Eskimos and then convince them they need a freezer to keep it in. But I am not too sure if there are many openings for salespersons of the trannie persuation.

I can muddle my way through php and perl to make some technically brilliant (even if I do say so myself) bits of webmagic. BUT graphically I am "pretty challenged". Besides the only qualification I have is experience.

Mechanics: basically I can fix anything that goes vroom. Honestly though I haven't worked as a mechanic now for coming up to 15 years and I left it to go to uni cause even back then I hated the thought of being a mechanic forever, oh and wasn't too impressed at the permanent grey hue on my hands or black chipped and ripped fingernails

Well I think it might be time to get a brand new profession, but what and where? Next few days are going to be spent thinking about this I think, especially since I have about 6 months before going full time. Maybe a trip back to uni/TAFE might be called for. Wonder if I can survive the poverty again?

Take the Red Pill Neo

2006-01-03T20:39:00.000+08:00

Sitting here with pills in my hand. Not bad pills, just pills I have been looking forward to getting for a long time now. Progynova to be precise. Guess I am about to follow the white rabbit down the rabit hole and see what happens. Gotta love an adventure.

Happy New Year

2005-12-31T15:49:00.000+08:00

Well it has been an eventful year for me, some good stuff but also a lot of heartache and pain.

I guess I should list things, but honestly I a) don't have the time & b) don't have the inclination. Suffice to say that this New Years Eve, is the last I will spend in boy mode, unless ofcourse I indulge in some cross dressing. Next year really marks my rebirth which is something I can't wait to happen. Infact to some extent it already is happening.

It is traditional at this point of the year to make some resolutions as to your intentions for the following year. I have but one: To follow my heart no matter where it may lead me, and to not be afraid of being true to that promise.

Happy new year people, may next year be as wonderful and as exciting for you as it is going to be for me.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all, a good night

2005-12-25T22:02:00.000+08:00

Well that’s Christmas over and done with for another year. Thank God. Had the traditional family breakfast at my brothers place about an hour south of Perth, right on the canals with a view that in other countries only the rich could have. That was fun, even if no one in my family knew what to give me. I think my sister got it right giving me a voucher for Myers, now I can go buy a new pair of shoes.

Got a welcome surprise from my day job, a BONUS….. which is going to be spent on having my face burnt off again (ELOS which is sort of like IPL). Not sure if this is what the boss intended it for but hey, I am gonna use anyway I see fit, and it is, after all, one of the things I can’t afford in real life but desperately need.

I spent most of the afternoon alone at home just doing nothing, which was a wonderful thing. Just me and the puppy rolling around on the bed playing tug of war with the rope toy thing. Nothing much else of any importance happened today, except a phone call from my girls. That made the day just wonderful.

Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope it was a wonderful day for you all.

Christmas

2005-12-24T17:25:00.000+08:00

Been a bit low in the last few weeks. Christmas is approaching, tomorrow to be precise, and I am missing my girls. They are both in Qld, Beth for a holiday visiting her mum and sisters, and Jess….

This will be the first Christmas eve I haven’t had them both here for what seems like an eternity, and it will be the first Christmas morning in just as long that I haven’t had them making noise, giggling, and talking so secretively that the whole neighbourhood could hear them at 5am. I am going to miss it. I already do.

Merry Christmas Beth and Jess, have a good time unwrapping your presents, making noise and generally lighting up the room. I will be thinking of you, and know that I love you and I am missing you.

Lots of Love, your Dad, Cathii……….

Gender History

2005-12-23T11:25:00.000+08:00

Been looking for a new job recently. Today a job stood out from the rest, not because of the conditions, pay or required experience, but for the equality statement within the ad.

The Department is committed to the principle of equal opportunity in employment for all persons regardless of sex, race, marital status, pregnancy, age, impairment, sexual preference, religious or political conviction, gender history and family status or responsibility.

I think I might apply for it just because of that statement alone.

Eating Skippy…..

2005-12-20T14:27:00.000+08:00

“Tch tch tch”

“What’s up Skip?”

“tch tch tch, tch tch, tch tch TCH”

“Oh the frying pan’s too hot Skip, and your feet are getting hot, quick let’s get Dad!!!!!!!!!!”

Had the work Christmas do last night. Resounding success if you happen to like that sort of thing. We had dinner at a local restaurant a short distance from the office. When I checked out the menu, I noticed that there was our national fauna emblem on it. Mmmmmm crumbed and pan fried fillets of Kangaroo served on a bed of vegies and a lemon myrtle sauce.

This truly is a great nation. Tell me how other countries allow you to eat their national emblem legally. I was disappointed though to see that Crocodile, Emu and Camel weren’t on the menu. How can they call themselves a good outback style restaurant without those culinary delights……..

Oh and yes I did have it, and it was delicious.

Welcome to Summer!

2005-12-18T19:03:00.000+08:00

After being totally boy (even removing nail polish from my toes) for a few days, I have finally made it home and have “girled up”. Thank god.

Went to Bunbury for a couple of days to do a gig and was very much the boy. Except at the gig, I was the only “girl” there and I ended up doing the zushing making everything look pretty. Don’t know if it was up to the standard that the girls at work can do, but I was pretty impressed with how I left it, and so was the client.

Today I went to the cricket with some friends and felt decidedly conscious of the fact that my legs were nice and smooth without a hair to be seen. This was the first time this summer that I had ventured out in shorts. Not for any other reason than this was the first warm day that I had the opportunity to wear shorts. And then just as I was getting over the fact that my legs were shaved, I suddenly remembered that I had mowed my arms not so long ago as well. Then the panic shifted to my eyebrows which have been waxed and plucked into a thin line.

Once I had finally convinced myself I was being stupid about all these things, I suddenly realized why I was having a pretty ordinary time. I don’t like cricket. I don’t much like any sport. And here I am spending the best part of $100 that I just don’t have watching a game that I could of quite easily watched from the comfort of my air conditioned lounge room on the projector and in surround sound. Life is bizarre.

Nice to be home. Showered, shaved and dressed in comfy clothes feeling good about the world once again.

Summer is here at long last. Roll on summer!

Boys, Girls, T's......... cool three to choose from now.

2005-12-15T10:40:00.000+08:00

Going through my usual blog reading this morning I read this article, thanks to Becky.

Building separate toilet facilities for *T*’s seems like a good idea on the face of it. But really do we need it.

I have several points to make about this article.

28,000 trannies from a population of 800,000 really is a bit lower a percentage than I would have thought. Assuming the T population figure given is purely m2f, and the male/female population ratio is 50/50, then the percentage of trannies (be that CD TV or TS) is around 7%. Maybe this doesn’t include closeted trannies.

For most, it's a choice of the men's room or the women's. A Brazilian city is trying to give an option to those who don't fit easily into either category.

Hey I already see being T as an advantage at nightclubs etc. I just checkout the both lav’s and go to the least busy one.

He said the "alternative bathrooms" could also be used by men or women who didn't mind sharing space with transvestites.

I actually like this idea a lot. A communal bathroom. I mean why not. As long as the boys don’t piss on the seat and the girls don’t leave tampon wrappers all over the place.

many transvestites are reluctant to go out because there's no bathroom for them

Actually this wasn’t something I even considered the very first time I went out dressed. The thought never occurred to me, they had the facilities and should I need to use them I would. I was a bit confused though when I went to the “boys” and was told by a very nice gay boy, “you really should be using the girls loo’s, some guys don’t like you’se in here” and then later in the evening being told very gruffly by a not so nice lesbian, “you should be using the boys” That was pretty much the moment that I decided I should just use which ever I felt like at the time.

The issue has divided gay groups; some feared it could segregate gays, while others said it recognized a problem within the gay community.

Hey if they built “Gay ONLY” toilets then that would be segregation, BUT you can’t segregate a community if you aren’t doing anything that effects THEM. True some T’s are gay, some are Bi but most are straight. The sexual orientation of a person really isn’t at question in the main thrust of the article. Why are the journo’s quoting Gay groups, why not go find the local Trannie collective and get a spokes”gurl” from there to comment?

Rant over.

No Title.

2005-12-08T10:55:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine is going through some tough times. I want to help but feel useless. I want her to know that I am here if you need me, to talk to, scream at or just to sit in silence. My home is always open to you. You will always be welcomed. I love you and want you to know that no matter what I will be here for you.

Christmas Cheer Part 2

2005-12-05T20:34:00.000+08:00

After a weekend of assembling christmas trees, I NEVER want to see another one again.........

And that wasn't all. I lost count. Why, just why? I HATE christmas trees.......