Cutting the dead wood.

I waited for all the new changes to Blogger to take full effect before making this decision, but now it just seems to be the right thing for me to do.

After having maintained 4 blogs at one stage I have decided to trim back to just the one. I mostly want to do this because I am lazy and just can't be bothered maintaining them all, but there are some other reasons.. Up until now all my posts have been public, but their is a lot I write that never sees the lght of day because quite frankly there are some people I just don't want reading my personal details, and yet there are some people I want to share them with.

Blogger hasn't overly impressed me with their "fantastic NEW changes" and it seems that it really doesn't give me that much extra control than I do already. Yahoo 360 isn't much better, nor infact are many other commercial blogging sites.

Livejournal, despite all of its draw backs, gives me a lot better control of who can see what. Even though it is far from perfect, the other option of scripting and hosting my own blog doesn't really appeal to me at this point although I may think about doing so in the future. So LJ it is.

Effective as of this very moment I will be switching to LiveJournal for all my bloggin. If you aren't a member of LJ you will still be able to read all my public posts and comment as per usual, however for the locked posts you will need to become a member and "friend" me then tell me what sections you would be interested in reading about.

So head to

My LiveJournal Blog

and things will continue as normal! See you there!

The Ghost of Christmas Just Past

For those that don't know, I keep a very much more personal journal on my PC at home and there is one or two paragraphs from that that I wanted to share with those that made my christmas so wonderful this year.

The Ghost of Christmas Just Past 26/12/06

Well Christmas day has been and gone. I stuck to my decision and didn’t go to the big family breakfast. Instead I spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning at Beth and Jason’s place, with them and Belinda. I felt so much more at ease and even more loved there. The people that surround me and accept me for exactly who I am without question, these are the people, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion, are my family.....

....

....When she was about to hang up, Beth said, “Why don’t you tell him yourself?” and handed the phone back to me. On the phone was Jess and when she said, “I love you dad.” it was all I could do to stop myself from crying right then and there. I admit that later I did take myself off to the bathroom and have a bit of a cry.

Simple acceptance from Beth and four very simple words from Jess, I could think of no better presents to receive.

I hope you all had as good a christmas as I did. Thank you to all those that made my Christmas so special!

Dirty, Sweaty and Tight!

The answer to the burning question on everybody’s lips - What exactly to transitioning trannies get up to on their weekends? - will be answered for you below the cut. But for now lets just say it is (if done right) dirty, sweaty and at times requires great persistence in order to enter something so tight. Be warned there are pics below!
















































Yes tight spaces, getting dirty and sweating profusely on a 35°+ day are all hallmarks of plumbing. Yep trannies do plumbing on their weekends off!

The saga of the blocked shower drain and the broken bath are well known to those who visit my house. Suffice to say I will not retell those stories here because they are…. slightly embarrassing. Let’s just say the shower drain has needed unblocking for quite sometime.

The drain had been running slow and continuously clogging for a few years and each time a generous dose of caustic soda solved the problem. But sometime ago no amount of caustic soda would make it run any faster, and eventually the drain stopped flowing all together.

It was obvious that there was a bit more serious plumbing to do than just throwing caustic soda down the drain, and at that point I threw my hands up in the air and commenced using the bath instead. A while later (quite a while actually, months really) it became imperative that the shower drain be unblocked.

I attacked it from outside by digging a hole my puppy would have been proud of, looking for the point at which the drain pipe exited the house. I discovered that the blockage was more severe than even I had imagined when my little hand driven wormy tool thingamajig (they must have a real name!) couldn't shift it.

Right nothing for it except for MAJOR surgery. Time replace the entire drain pipe “S” bend and all. After all it was steel piping and was in desperate need of replacement. So it was under the house I needed to go.

It was a great plan. All I needed to do was take my stillsons, two hammers, a bell chisel, a hacksaw just in case and a light. Then crawl under the house to the bathroom, remove some brick work under the shower, remove the "s" bend and pipe, replace both, replace the brick work and crawl back out. Do you think anything could go that smoothly??? Not on your life.

To start with it took an hour and a half to move the 12m from one side of the house to the other. I had to negotiate the joists, all too low to leopard crawl under without digging a hole in the limestone encrusted sand.



Then when I got to the limestone footings some genius had decided to dump excess mortar right in the crawl space. Good thing I brought the chisel and the hammer eh? But the crawl space was really tight, so tight I had to turn on my side 45° to fit (read, scraping both sides). It actually felt like I was digging a tunnel to escape some concentration camp.... ok so I have an over active imagination!



Then once at the bathroom I knocked over the light and broke the bulb! Abandoning the tools I started the long crawl back to the other side of the house in pitch black!

I found my torch, went and bought a new battery for it, then headed back under the house. Everything went a lot better from there until after removing the brick work and using the bricks to prop up the joist, I discovered that the drain pipe ran right down the side of the bath, through the mortar mix that is used to float the bath in. No way of replacing that without ripping up the floor. So I gave the S bend a couple of belts with the hammer in order to try and loosen the blockage (yea right I was so frustrated I needed to hit something hard and the s bend looked like the easiest target, well the only target cause in the tight space I ended up in I couldn't hit anything else!!!) Frustrated I replaced the sand and brick work and crawled back out to daylight.

The senseless hammering of the pipe work actually helped things a lot. I used the hose and compressor to blow the blockage backwards through the pipe from the outside of the house and viola , a drain that now runs freely...... but for how long?

Many thanks to Belinda for putting up with a house with no shower for as long as she has. Wonder if she knows her rent is going up because of the "improvements" I have done.... bwahahahahahaha, ummm just kidding!

So that is the whole sordid and dirty story..... Was what you did on your weekend THIS exciting!

Just another internet quiz

Ummmmm me lustful????? Oh well can't argue with an internet quiz cause we all know they are sooooooo accurate! Oh wait, normally they are for me. bah whatever!

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	High
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

Anxiety and Work Xmas Do's

Friday night was my work Christmas do. I have to say I wasn’t looking forward to it. As I will be going full time shortly (and I am pretty sure the rumours have been going round) and I have only really met as many people as I have needed to in relation to my work, I wasn’t looking forward to meeting new people only to have to “re-meet” them next year as Cathii. I almost managed to work myself into a state of high anxiety and had that horrible nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach before going.

As it turned out it wasn’t so bad. I did prime myself by drinking 5 Crowns in the first hour I was there, and kept that state of pleasantly pissed for the rest of the night. I only had to field the question of; “So are you gay?” about 6 times. By the end of the evening no one much cared anyway cause they were all pissed and dancing to really crap music provided by one man, one guitar and one laptop. I even got dragged up onto the dance floor and made to dance to a particularly bad version of a George Thoroughgood song…. Blahhhhh

So it was fairly harmless in the end. I figure there are still plenty of people that don’t know around here, and I need to get on top of letting them all know asap, but right now I am a bit hamstrung by HR taking their time to send out my permanent contract. I have been advised by a few people who should know that signing the contract is much more important than almost anything else. After I sign it they then have a much harder time getting rid of me if they don’t like my TS status. Although I must say I doubt that will happen from those around me. My boss and her boss knew before I even accepted the temp contract.

In retrospect it might well have been a lot easier to just start the job as Cathii rather than do the transition on the job, but since when have I ever done anything the easy way? Besides which, there is no way I could have been stealth anyway, so everyone I work with would of known and the rest of the people would have fed off the rumours. At least this way I can give them the information before they start the rumours!! LOL

Blah and No Smoking....

As I have said before I have been feeling a little blah for the last week and a half. I have no doubt that my mood is not being helped by the fact that I made a promise to myself to quit smoking after finishing my last carton of cigarettes. I finished them on Wednesday last week and since then my mood has gone from blah to CRASH. Is it the nicotine withdrawal or am I just naturally a mugwump?

I didn’t go out at all on the weekend. Instead I bought a bottle of vodka and systematically drank ¾ of it before running out of mixer. I am pretty sure if I had been sober enough to make my way to the petrol station for more mixer the bottle would have been very empty. I did have a pretty good chat with one of Belinda’s friends. Fascinating guy.

Actually,,,,,I am contemplating buying another bottle of vodka tonight just to celebrate the fact that it is Tuesday!

Getting closer to C day and I still have so much to do. At least the corporate wardrobe is getting a little bigger each week. Buying a few bits and pieces every now and then. Still haven’t really started on the casual wardrobe yet….. Damn being a trannie, I have a million “going out” clothes and absolutely nothing to just go out with. Not smoking should be a plus for the wardrobe though cause that means I can spe4nd an additional $80 a week on clothes!!! YAY.(spoken like a true trannie, god sometimes I live up to the stereotype only just too well!)

Other than that I am just a little miserable about the world. Well one person in particular, but there appears to be absolutely nothing I can do to change that situation. So more than just backing off, I am walking away entirely. If they want they can come and see me anytime they like and I will receive them with open arms, but right now and into the conceivable future I will not even mention their name.

Right now I have to work out what I am getting Beth and my nieces and nephews for Christmas……. Grrr this is too hard, maybe I should just give them money….. nah no thought or care or love in that. Sadly.

What difference does it make?

All men have secrets
and here is mine
so let it be known
we have been through hell and high tide
I can surely rely on you
and yet you start to recoil
heavy words are so lightly thrown
but I'd still leap in front of a flying bullet for you

So what difference does it make?
so what difference does it make?
it makes none, but now you have gone
and you must be looking very old tonight

The devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and I lied, and why? because you asked me to
but now you make me feel so ashamed
because I've only got two hands
well, I'm still fond of you

So what difference does it make?
so what difference does it make?
it makes none, but now you have gone
and your prejudice won't keep you warm tonight

Oh the devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and then I lied just because you asked me to
but now you know the truth about me
you won't see me anymore
well, I'm still fond of you

But no more apologies
no more apologies
I'm too tired, I'm so very tired
and I'm feeling very sick and ill today
but I'm still fond of you


WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
The Smiths

Odd day

Thursday was a very odd day for me.

On my way to work I caught the earlier train so I could get to Midland 15 minutes before my bus left to take me to work in Forrestfield. I did this because I needed to get some money out of the bank and then buy some lunch and perhaps detour to Muzz Buzz for my morning dose of caffine.

When I got to the automatic teller I opened my purse to find that my keycard was missing. I had bought a bottle of vodka on the way home o Wedneday for the weekend and had obviously forgotten to pick it up as I left.

So no money to buy some lunch, and no Muzz Buzz (and that really was the thing that made me a little annoyed!) I raced back and caught my bus to work where I was sure to get a coffee even if it was instant. When I got there I discovered that there was no milk so I sent an SMS to my boss asking her to pick some up on her way in (I get there an hour earlier than my boss cause I actually have work to do! LOL) She sent one back saying she wasn't coming in today because she had Chicken Pox. So now I have been exposed to an infectious disease and had to call my friend to cancel incase I passed it along to her son.

So no milk for coffee (all the other staff in my building are either out bush jumping on locusts or up north doing training for the local officers up there) I was the only one in the office all day, and I couldn't even listen to the cricket because the old radio we have doesn't work on AM. So black coffee it was and a nutritious lunch of 2 scotch finger biscuits followed by an arrowroot biscuit.

Could my day get any worse??

YES it could!

In the afternoon it dawned on me why I needed money. I had very little change for bus and train fare. In fact when I counted everything, including all the coins I found in my desk draw, in my boss's draw and everybody elses draw, I ended up with $2.45 and I needed $3.20 to get home.

In the end I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to walk the 22km home. At 5pm I shut down the computer, packed everything including a bottle of water into my back pack and started the looooong walk home.

Luckily I had my iPod so at least I would be entertained on the way home. I listened to an album that my daughter’s boyfriend gave to me by "Neurotic Fish" which as it turns out is fantastic! The tunes certainly made the walk go faster!

About half way home I called in at the Guildford cemetery out on Kalamunda road to sit and relax a while. My feet were quite sore cause I was walking in men’s dress shoes not exactly my first choice of footwear for 22km walk!

As I sat in the cemetery I had the urge to call my Mum and talked to her for about 15 minutes in which SHE brought up the topic of the impending transition. Normally she won't talk about it at all.

I started off walking back home with a renewed enthusiasm but by the time I had reached The Guildford road bridge my feet hurt so much that I had to stop and lie on the grass next to the river in the fading light. In the river was a Pelican with her 5 babies following close behind. She was teaching them to fish by the glow of the street lamps on the bridge. I sat and watched them for what seemed like 10 minutes but actually turned out to be closer to an hour.

By the time I got home in the evening my whole day had turned around. I had listened to a band I had never heard of before and found that they were absolutely fantastic, I had spoken to one of the most important people in my life, my Mum, AND I had watched in total fascination the wonders of nature.

My only complain about the whole of Thursday was the blisters on my feet. Tomorrow I think I might take some more appropriate footwear and walk home again. After the last effort you never know I might just psychically know next weeks Lotto numbers or something! LOL

Where the hell did Sunday go?

Where the hell did Sunday go?

I remember Friday night very specifically. I babysat Clayton again, and once again he sat and played Xbox til bedtime. Then at 2.30am, an hour after I went to bed he came through and woke me up wanting a drink. I got him the drink, made sure he was safely back in bed and then headed back to bed myself. But could I sleep? Hell no. I tossed and turned and got attacked by kittens. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5.20am and then I was being woken up at 6.30 by a hungry boy looking for breakfast.

So with 2 hours of bad sleep, we walked down to the shops where we bought some breakfast and other supplies and then headed to the park in the vain hope that he would tire himself out before we got home and I might be able to sleep a little longer! Why do I constantly underestimate the energy supplies of a young child?

Hair cuts are the devils work, but the one Belinda suggested I get is actually pretty cool. Had it cut in the afternoon and went out that night for the first time in girl mode WITHOUT a wig…. God I love not wearing a wig.

Did cop a bit of grief from the predominantly ordinary folk that were lining up for Ambar at around 2.30am. I was on my way down to the corner shop to get some antacids cause I was having some major issues with heartburn. Maybe I should remember that eating a GOOD meal is an absolute essential before heading out! Anyway I got read a lot quicker and from a lot further away than I normally do. It kinda pissed me off a bit cause I thought my hair was fantastic as was my makeup thanks to Belinda. Oh well to hell with them, getting read is just part of the gig, and might as well be comfortable and get read as be uncomfortable and get read!

After getting home at around 4.30am’ish I got prepared and was in bed around 5.30am then I went to sleep. The plan was to attack the barina and get it to the point of taking it over the pits this weekend. But I never got to that. The first I knew was around 8pm when Hannah rang me. And then an hour or 2 later I was asleep again until 5am when I needed to get up. I had strange recollections of doing things, and indeed I did post to a forum, but have no clear memory of it, I did go out for a smoke and a drink of water and once again no recollection of it. Sunday just disappeared into a blur of sleep. 24 hours of sleep, or at least only semi-consciousness.

There are a few things that I regret about the weekend, but they are things I might keep a little personal right now. Have to sort them out first.

Spank and Confusion

Went to Spank last night. It was really good and met a lot of people there that I knew and a few that I didn’t. talked drank, had fun. All the usual stuff, plus a few things that don’t usually happen to me, but now I have a few questions floating around in my head that need answered.

For those that don’t know, Spank was a BDSM / Fetish Ball held where Sin usually is on a Friday night. It is planned to be held occasionally but Saturday night was the first one. It was pretty packed and with a policy of no fetish wear no entry, I thought I had better put some effort into my outfit.

I wore the skirt I got from Karma which is about as long as a bandaid :P and vinyl, Underneath that I wore a tutu that Hannah made me specifically for the skirt so it would poof out a bit, my vinyl waist cincher, a vinyl suspender belt with lace top stockings and my top that kinda shows off my cleavage a LOT. I had planned to wear the boots I had stolen off Beth but I found that no matter how I tried I just couldn’t seem to walk in them very well. I could do the girl run in them no problems, but the heel was just too high to be able to walk properly. Must practice so I can wear them out sometime soon cause they are so cool. Instead I ended up wearing my patent 4.5” wedges which kinda went with all the other “shiny stuff” I had on.

The thing was that the skirt ended up poofing out so much that it wasn’t covering much at all. In fact the stocking tops were totally exposed and if I bent forward even slightly so was my bum! Walking up and down the stairs I did notice some people having a perve, but that was fine cause I had bought some lacy black knickers just for the occasion (yes I had to buy some. I am very much a cotton tails kind of girl and don’t like frilly knickers much at all!) OK enough of the very trannie “what I wore” section……..

There were loads of people there in all manner of clothing. Most people had put a lot of effort into what they wore which was fantastic to see. Pretty much as soon as we got there Hannah met some people that she knew and we pretty much went our separate ways meeting up occasionally through the night.

At one point I had just had a conversation with a friend from Sin and was walking into the smoking area. I was chewing something over in my mind that she had said and I guess my facial expression must have been a little glum although I didn't feel like hat at all. One of the leather boys, obviously a Dom turned around and said, "I don't allow people to wear that expression around me!" and leaned over and kissed me square on the lips.... I kinda just looked back at him and smiled, and then he kissed me again and it was a full on snog.

Now the problem is that I haven't kissed anyone for ages..... let alone a boy.... and it felt good. Too bloody good. So now there is a lot of stuff floating around in my head.

To start with, lets face it, he wasn’t my type at all. Boys in leather with shaved heads and goatees just don’t do it for me, normally! So what is going on with me? I know I am openly bisexual, but the truth is that I just haven’t had any sexual contact with boys now for about 6 or 7 years. I pretty much believe myself to be mostly attracted to girls with a bit of a “thing” for boys. When I see me having a relationship it is with a girl, not a boy. And to be totally honest, with boys in the past it has been mostly physical, not emotional. I have really only had one relationship with a boy and that was a total dependence thing when I was so messed up that I thought I needed to have that experience. It was a total disaster.

Right now the whole physical thing holds no appeal to me at all. Lets face it the medication I am on has pretty much all but stopped any function in the lower regions anyway. But I find myself wanting and needing more of an emotional relationship with someone. Something where I don’t need to display any real physical affection at all, just to be with someone that I feel good to be around. Just to “like someone in THAT way” would be enough for me right now.

Which brings me to the next problem that Saturday night has thrown up for me. I almost have that type of relationship right now and I know that she reads this (or at least reads the livejounal version of this), so let this serve as a confession. I do love her more than a friend. I do enjoy just being around her. I do look forward to seeing her and miss her when I can’t see her. BUT I have no desire to kiss her other than in a wonderful friendly way. I have no need to sleep with her in a physical sense. I don’t require her to be faithful to me in anyway at all. I don’t feel jealous when she displays affection for other people, physical or emotional.

I DO feel wrong for feeling this way.

I am so confused right now about all this stuff. Kissing a boy and feeling wonderful, where as before it was just part of the motions, and my desire for “something more” with someone that is one of the best friends you could hope for are messing with my head right now……

God I am a mixed up individual sometimes…..

A month and not much to add

Well I haven't posted for a month and really there isn't much to tell. The new job is quite challenging and I am enjoying it a lot. My 4wd was going to cost way too much money to fix and I just let the sticker run out, so currently I am carless. I really should finish fixing the Barina, but enthusiasm for mechanical work is nil. I have been riding my bike to work, it is only 22km to work and then another 22km home so it isn't that big a workout but is more than I have done in years. By rights I should be losing weight, but it appears I am not, which kinda sux but is pretty typical. Hormones are doing there thing and in the last month there has been noticable development in the chest region which is heartening after thinking they would never grow! So now I am 13yo in terms of development! God I hated being 13. I hope it isn't the same.

Emotionally the world has been wonderful to me. Good things have happened, wonderful people are being wonderful to me (and making me tutu's and letting me wear their boots etc etc) Life is good at the moment. Boring Huh?

I did the Crossdress for Red Cross day on the 3rd. Mostly people at work couldn't believe I could manage to create as much cleavage as I did, and then couldn't believe that I managed to walk in the 4.5" wedges that I had on so effortlessly. I took the opportunity to come out to a couple of people who work in the same complex as I do but in different sections. So January the 3rd, ie "C" day will be that much less painful! I raised $170 in donations for the Red Cross which is pretty good!

Got an appointment booked for the work recommended counsellor for the 17th so I can discuss alll the legalities etc of "changing" my gender at work. I guess a visit to my EEO rep will be next on the list of things to do then see HR. Ofcourse I haven't legally changed my name yet but I can do that pretty much anytime over the christmas break.

Going to Spank tonight. Should be fun. Mighyt even take a photo and post it. Who knows????? LOL

Have fun people.

Caught by the Fuzz

Well I managed to mess up last night on the way to the Chameleons meeting BIG time!

I found an old CD of The Cult and decided to listen to it on my way to the meeting in the truck! Ummm now that was a bit of a mistake I think. Well as it happened I was running a little late and the combination of being late and the wonderful full on sound of the cult playing just above the threshold of pain I ended up doing nearly 90kph down Guildford road which is only a 60 zone!

Now here is the stupid thing...... Normally I have an inbuilt radar for speed cameras and plain clothes cars. But last night that radar failed entirely. I over took a blue commodore that had several arials on the rear window which seemed to speed up a bit when I went past. I thought absolutely nothing of it and continued on my merry way singing at the top of my lungs!

AND then just as "Libertine" was drawing to a close I heard something that didn't belong in the song. I checked my mirror, ummmm only a blue commodore, nothing out of the ordinary. So I continued on and then the commodore flashed me and I heard the siren again.

I turned to look and both driver and passenger were making hand signals for me to pull over and then the siren came on again.

Bugger, I pulled up the next side street, cut the engine and got out to do my famous and patented walk up to the coppers in the vain hope they won't check out my car. It was only then that I realised I was dressed in my black skirt with red stitching and D rings all over it, a pair of opaques, my Mary jane t-bar shoes and the KMFDM tour t-shirt. Ahhhhh I thought to myself, this is going to be fun!

The police themselves were actually quite nice. Asked for my license, breath tested me, and then asked if there was something wrong with my steering....... "Ummmmm no" I answered, "Why?"

He informed me that the car had been swerving a bit and since I blew 0 on the machine he thought there might be something wrong with the car. It was then that I admitted that I hadn't heard the siren the first time very clearly cause I had the stereo up loud and was kind of "car dancing" so that might have been the cause of the swerving. He then asked if I hadn't noticed the lights?

"Your lights aren't on." I said pointing back to the his car.

He actually looked a little embarrassed by this and then told me they thought I wasn't going to stop and had started the procedure for a chase as I pulled over. Then he laughed and said that he couldn't do me for failure to stop in that case.

AND this is when it happened. His partner walked over to my truck and shone his torch underneith to see a large mess of oil covering the front diff and then noticed the roo bar was snapped and rusted in one spot, and my tail light was broken and I had no rubbers on the pedals. Grrrrrrr he put the sticker on my windscreen told me my obligations and suggested that I slow down a little in the future. And that was that. They drove away.

So yet again I have proven that police in WA just couldn't care how you are dressed just so long as the traffic coppers get their quotas for the day.

It seems there might be an unscheduled busy weekend this weekend, fixing up the truck to get it over the pits! Damn and I was going to get my nails done this saturday!

Well 2 weeks of real unemployment, ie no money and nothing to do, seem to have cleared my head a bit. I feel a lot better about the world and the moments of happiness are far exceeding the moments of depression. It could be that I have taken stock of what is important to me in life, it could be that I have been reminded what it is to be a kid, parent, friend and it could also be that I have a new job.



I started a government job yesterday. My official title is Information Systems Officer, but in reality I will be building databases and flow charting processes. There is going to be a hell of a steep learning curve but it is nothing I can’t get my head around or do. So I have put my uni and legal aspirations on hold for now. A bit of financial stability is what I crave for the time being.



Went to the Pride fair day on the weekend. It was good fun but didn’t see many people I know there. Hazel came after a while and we wandered around for a bit and decided to head back to my place for a pizza dinner. We ended up playing Simpson’s Road Rage til late into the night with Beth.



Monday being a public holiday, I bummed around as much as possible and enjoyed a quiet day doing very little but achieving a few things that needed to be done. Really I have done very little since. Stress is at an all time low and the feeling of contentment within myself is at a level that hasn’t been achieved in nearly 3 years. I hope this continues.

**** Edit *****

I got offered a job with one of Australia's largest dedicated ISP's today. Think I will stay where I am. This job is just starting to get interesting!

Pills, Kids, XBox

The last time I posted anything of substance was nearly a month ago. I haven’t posted anything because everytime I have sat down and written anything it ends up sounding like I am just about to slash my wrists or something. I admit there have been times when the thought of that has appealed to me but really I am far too much of a chicken now to even begin to try that. I mean OUCHIES it would hurt! So I haven’t posted.

I was in the type of mode for the past part of the last month that made me a very ugly person. I took my depression one stage further down the ladder. I wonder if that ladder ever reaches rock bottom, cause everytime I think I have finally reach the end, I somehow end up spiralling down just that little bit further.

On Friday the 15th I think I finally did find the bottom. I went to a particularly crap interview, if you could call it that. I spoke only to the receptionist and the remainder was computer testing. How on earth can they tell what type of candidate I am with out actually speaking to me. I went to my casual job, my only source of income, and instantly began to feel weird. I ended up in a screaming match with two people you just shouldn’t do that sort of thing with. I ended up being sacked. I really want to apologise to them not because I want my job back but because I am extremely sorry and truly didn’t mean most of the stuff that came out off my mouth, but I can’t find a way to face up to my own shame and go down and see them.

This was the night that the world came tumbling down yet again. I drove home in tears, almost crashing several times due to me paying no attention to the road at all. All the way home all I thought about was finally ending all the pain. When I got home, I picked up a bottle of pills poured a drink and went to sit at the table on the veranda. I stared at the bottle of pills for a while and picked up my phone instead. I called someone that I thought would understand, someone who has been there a lot for me recently. I would like to thank you “H” for your reaction, which was to ask me to come round, bring some alcohol and have a drink with you.

That night I drank the best part of a bottle of vodka to myself (there was about a centimetre left in the bottom of the bottle) and managed to find the blackness beyond pain.

Now this is the important part so LISTEN UP.

The next morning despite feeling very seedy, when my H’s ex rang to cancel having their young boy, I volunteered to look after him so that H could continue with the plans she had made for the day and the night. That day saw me still a bit depressed, but as the day wore on I discovered that I was actually enjoying myself, something I haven’t done for ages. We watched Robots (at least 3 times) made and flew paper aeroplanes, messed around with his toy swords, threw things for their dog to fetch (and run around madly with and never give back!) etc etc etc. It was fun. I hate to admit it but having children around really is good for me. At first I was happy because I HAD to be for his sake, and then something took over and I was happy just because!

H came home after a hard days shopping with her family, and after dinner put her boy to bed, and got herself ready to go out. I was disappointed that he slept all the way through the night, cause I didn’t have anyone to do silly kid things with!

The thing is that that sense of happiness has continued through the week, even though I haven’t had any work and know that there won’t be enough money for bills next fortnight. I looked after him again last night for H, but this time at my house. I was a little disappointed that all he wanted to do was play Xbox on the projector, but at 5 years of age that is what I would have wanted to do to!

Talking of Xbox’s I went and saw the bestest person EVER yesterday and they fixed my Xbox up that wasn’t running. Now I have an Xbox with a pink X on the start up screen with a celtic trans* logo, and then a splash screen with MY name, Cathii Scott, on it just before it boots up into an Xbox 360’esque menu. It is sooooooooo cool, and I owe you big time!!!!!! YAY.

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Awake

Aware

Alone